A RPG for psychotics...

H.O.L.:

Human Occupied Landfill

O.K., so many of us have had our time playing one Role-Playing Game (RPG) or another.  Overall most are the same; funny dice, a party of "noble heroes" and a goal of  stopping tyrannical villainy.  HOL is not that game!  After years of searching I found an online copy and will now tell you about this deranged game.

In '94/'95 some blokes made a game, hand drew the entire book & got Black Dog (White Wolf's adult line) to publish it.  It was meant to be a game for those sick of "goody-goody" games and the need for "funny" dice.  So you grab pencil, paper, booze (yes, you'll need it) and some d6's ("regular" dice for non-gamers), get some friends together & open the book...

WHAT THE FUCK?! 

The first sign you are in trouble is this:

Right from page 1 you can see that this is NOT like anything else.  This is the work of lunacy.  A psychotic embolism given form through the written word.  Gone are the worlds of amazing beauty and fantastic creatures.  Gone are the Noble races guarding against the incursions of Evil.  Here things are foul, nasty and brutal.  It is a planet where criminals and other undesirable contents are dumped.  This is your home.  Best learn to laugh at other's misfortunes because they will be laughing at yours.

There are two sections to the book: Part 1 - KILLING THINGS & Part 2 - THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU.  At least that is simple enough...right?

Part 1 starts off with a description of HOL - "Ever been to New Jersey?  Okay, now add some high technology and make a planet out of it.  HōL is the New Jersey of the Confederation Of Worlds (C.O.W.).".  Obviously one of the creators had precognitive abilities and foresaw the coming of "Snooki".  It gives background on the formation of things.  Next come the rules.  Some are simple: rolling "boxcars" means rolling again & adding the scores until you fail to roll "boxcars" - which is pretty sweet - and rolling "snake-eyes" YOU LOSE!  Example: "Jeff's character, Fuzzteeth, is trying to tie his shoes.  The HM requires a skill roll (2 dice) and Jeff rolls snake-eyes.  The result: Fuzzteeth's head explodes.  Just one of those things, y'know?".  Yes, it can be extreme.  It goes on to give you characters (worth reading even if you never attempt to play), charts, combat and skills (I love the skill "Make anything you say sound more important than the voice of God").  If you can understand any of it to this point please call the authorities and seek a good asylum...one with thick walls & land-mines to stop you from escaping.

Part 2 is the Hol-meister (HM aka GM/DM/etc) section.  In my opinion the only people qualified for this are the same people who giggle during their shock-treatments and eat fist-fulls of Oxys chased with bottles of Everclear just to stay as close to "calm" as they ever will.  Here you get "God" stuff, XP's, money/bartering, history, C.O.W., The Church, baby eating, enemy NPCs (like the Sodomy Bikers), deranges stuff and the Bestiary which includes "Uncle Mickee".

If that doesn't creep you out nothing will!

Now, if your brain hasn't exploded or dribbled out of your skull from reading through the book you may wish to seek out the expansion book - Buttery Wholesomeness.  I have not yet found an online copy to link to BUT will say that being able to go to "Clown College" or get "Cornholed By God" does make the supplement worth getting. Also, if you get the better copy, you get a FREE BONUS GAME!!!  Yes, the game FREEBASE is included at no additional charge (except the charges you will get from Law Enforcement!).  It is a "live action" game so you can play in the "real" world.  I will not go into details but do suggest having a Bunsen burner, cotton balls, lighter, rubbing alcohol and a damned good attorney.

So give HOL a try...all you have to lose is your mind.  You weren't using it anyway.

Space Marine

Warhammer 40,000:

Space Marine

'It is the 41st Millennium.  To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions.  It is to live in the cruellest and most bloody regime imaginable.  Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned.  Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war.  There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.'

Now, if that doesn't set the scene for you not much will.  The game Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is set in this dark future.  You are a Space Marine - a genetically enhanced being far removed from normal men.  Nearing 9' tall with hardened skeleton, extra organs, enhanced everything and trained from childhood to do one thing only - kill the enemies of the Emperor.  You are encased in the best armour and wield weapons which can few can stand against.  You have bullets which explode inside the target, guns which strip armour or microwave a being instantly.  Chainswords and Thunderhammers are extensions of your arms.  And with these weapons you go to face the endless hordes of Orks.  Savage beings who feel no pain, are as strong (or stronger) as you who attack in massive waves crushing all before them.

This is a small Ork!

Later you will even face the Great Enemy - Chaos!  Yes, armies of those created like yourself 10,000 years ago who turned from the Emperor to worship Dark Gods.  Every strength you have they have plus they have 10,000 years of war which has honed their skills.  They have more than you for they have psykers channeling the power of the Warp as well as Dæmons who reside in the Warp.  Yeah, it sucks to be you!

Now let me start the actual review by setting some things down - I have been playing Warhammer 40, 000 (WH40K for short) for over 20+yrs when it was a table-top (TT) semi-role-playing game based around miniatures.  Over the decades I have seen many changes both good and damnably awful.  In addition to the TT games there have been several video games as well.  Some were extremely well done (Space Hulk, Chaos Gate & Dawn of War) yet ended up going "under the radar" (except DoW) and die-hard fans like me were the only ones to experience them.  So, with hundreds of miniatures around my home as well as various game discs, I now share my views on the newest entry.

First off this is not for everyone.  If you are the type of gamer who hates getting "stuck-in" and prefers to shoot enemies from miles away you will hate this.  Yes, they have long-range weapons...but the enemies are rarely far long enough to specialize in that.  Also note that this game is bloody.  Full of decapitations and exploding bodies this game will have your screen bleeding onto your floor.  If you like that kind of thing please read on.

The game has two basic modes - Campaign and Online.  The Campaign is straightforward - go from "A" to "Z" gathering weapons and slaughtering enemies.  You get plenty of action right from the start.  The first few waves are a minor touch of the swarming that will be filling your screen for hours.  The first Orks and the smaller Gretchin (goblins) are not bad.  My biggest complaint about these Orks are their voices (high-pitched English voices just don't cut it).  Thankfully you soon get bigger Orks in the mix and their voices deepen as they get bigger.

He's not even the biggest!

You will end up aiding an Inquisitor (who looks a lot like Gary Numan) who marches you into the heart of the Orks to where you will eventually meet the Warboss.  None of the Orks you have met yet are near this guy's size.  I have seen smaller tanks!  Actually he looks like a large version of the Hulk wearing a tank as armour.  Guess what - you get to dance with him.

He is not even close to you.

One thing to know: the only way to get health back is through doing a certain special attack in close-combat.  Yup, the thought of running until your health meter fills is gone.  In this game you must face everything head-on.  The best advice I can give is to pay attention to which attacks "stun" which types of Orks so you can do the move.  If you do the wrong type & don't stun them you may leave yourself open to a messy death.

The other mode is Online play - Here you randomly play as either an Imperial or a Chaos Space Marine battling against the other.  This version is different than many other similar types because you have to get "stuck in" fast.  There is no way your team can win if you hold back.  There are two game types here - Seize Ground and Annihilation.  The first is to gain & keep control of areas on the map (thankfully the maps are smallish).  Hiding & holding back will never win.

The second game is a straightforward slaughter-fest.  Imperials vs. Chaos slobber-knocker where the only goal is to kill them more than they kill you.  None of those pesky objectives to distract you from hunting & slaughtering your adversaries.  If you spend more than 3 seconds without swinging on or shooting at someone you are doing it wrong!  So choose your type of character - Tactical: moderate all around, Devastator: heavy weapons & Assault: rapid close-ranged attacks using a jump-pack and show the world how to disembowel someone with a spork!

With that out of the way let me hit on some issues.  The Online is not great yet.  Too few maps (more in October!) and their servers are wonky.  Also, to advance beyond Level 5 Online you must enter the code on the back of the manual.  If a friend wants to borrow the game and play Online they can buy the code Online (prices vary depending on which machine you have it on - Xbox is 800pts).  The "wonky" being slow loads & the match crashing if the "host" leaves.  I have confidence this will be fixed fast.  But there is a nice side - customization.  As you gain levels, kills and deaths you gain armour parts.  Some are way easy to get - the "Battle Damage" armour parts come from you getting killed.  Others are not so easy (like seeking out the same person to kill them 5x's in a single game then doing that several times online).  Still the Imperial & Chaos armours look nice.  Change parts and colors.  You can be "traditional" or "eclectic" (I have done sets in the Saints colors as well as some eye-blistering Chaos Marines) as you like.  In addition to the armour parts there are goals to achieve to get improved weapons.  Having a suped-up Thunderhammer or Meltagun makes a world of difference.

In my opinion it is a blast.  Turn on some GWAR or Gregorian Chants and kill everything.  Don't worry about thinking - this is primal.  Do remember to NOT 'chuck' your controller at the screen when you get killed!!!  Just fight harder next round and improve your skills.  Try playing the game on HARD without dying or restarting for one chapter - that alone should help with the basic survival skills you will need.  Still, I think it is worth owning.  $60 worth?  For most people - probably not.  For serious fans of violence and online domination it is worth it.

Now I will leave you as I am off to do what every good Space Marine does at the end of the day...

Kung-Fu kraziness

Alright!  This morning I started writing this article which fast became insanely long.  So, to be kind, I scrapped all of it to do this bluntly.

We NEED cheesy kung-fu movies to return!!!

Wait!  Need?  How can anyone say that with a straight face?

Yes, we do need them.  We need those cheaply made movies full of violent action and little story.  They gave us unfettered entertainment without trying to push some "politically correct" agenda on the audience.  They were filled with people who did & said what many people actually think about saying & doing.  They were not full of people worried about which insults were allowed; they used insults properly...to hurt someone's feelings!  Like the real world they displayed arrogance and the willingness of the strong to pick on the meek.  Also, like the real world, it was easy to lose track of who was who in a fight.  When you have two groups of men in pajamas, with every one between 5'7" & 5'10", of average build with the same type hair cut the same way you easily lose track of "sides".  Instead you do like folks do during a real fight - sit back & enjoy the spectacle.

Sure, these movies were shlocky.  We loved that!  Dubbed dialog let you know how "good" it was going to be - dialog & lips not remotely matching = better story telling vs dialog & lips closely matching = dialog made to fit lips not tell story.  White haired meant bad-ass villain.  Simple-minded yokel was to be brutally trained to become awesome hero guy.  Naked women had REAL TITTIES!!!  The more absurd something sounded the more likely it was super-powerful.  People did not have blood but produced red Tempera paint.  The more spots on a monk's head the more devastating his attacks were.  Most importantly - Men Were Supposed To Be Manly!!  That's right, men were expected to demonstrate they had a pair and at least attempt to defend themselves/the weak.  The bitch-boys (cowards & hyper-effeminate males - gay was not an issue in these films, gay men kicked asses too) were mocked by everyone.

Now I loved that these movies were often "timeless".  I say this because all too often you did not know "when" in time it was happening.  Unless you saw some form of technology (electric lights, sunglasses) you could be any time from 14th Century to the 20th Century.  Sorry, but the pajama styles really did not vary enough to "date" the era.  Considering that many areas in the Orient are still like this gives hope for a resurgence of these films!

So, we have men in pajamas who like to fight using techniques & weapons with bizarre names.  We have a land caught in a time-distortion where the past &  present overlap without anyone noticing.  We have old men who get drunk, get white hair and torture young men for a hobby.  We have real women who can kick-ass (though not as often the hero) and have zero need of implants.  We have a place where being a man actually means something.  We have all of this in our archives of VHS tapes & DVDs.  Sadly we need these back in our theaters & Sunday morning programming.  We need "Kung-Fu Theater" to be there to show kids (and several adults) that life is not easy.  That it takes work, dedication, a sharp mind, the sweat of your brow and the labor of your limbs to succeed in the world.  That you don't have to be the biggest or best man around as long as you aren't a bitch.  That if you catch a fly with chop-sticks, blindfolded while standing one-legged on a log over a flaming pit of spikes you CAN win the competition, get the girl and get a live chicken to make into dinner.

These were not movies looking to win an Academy Award®.  These were movies with two things in mind - entertain the masses and make money.  They did both so well their legacy lives on (poorly) in modern action films.  Still the lessons taught are needed today.  I know I am sick of movies where Keanu Reeves is considered "butch" and everyone must have the personality of  a My Little Pony.  People need to use movies like "The Street Fighter" (starring Sonny Chiba) to teach their male kids to be masculine.  To use any Michelle Yeoh movie to show girls to be "ladylike" as well as kick-ass.  We NEED them so boys will stop wearing flat-fronted pants!!!  (My ghod!  Even the smallest set needs room!!!)

I hope this inspires everyone to find some old classics & enjoy them.

(Only a real bad-ass could pull off this hair & eye-patch combo, kill folks & get the women.)

Sarah Jane Adventures

Sarah Jane Smith

Of all the companions of every incarnation of Doctor Who Sarah Jane Smith has to be the most loved of them all.  Though others came & went none had the pure magic that she had.  Small, naive and cute as a button she faced perils and horrors throughout space and time with resilience and spunk.  When the Doctor left her we felt that loss.  It was as if something grand had been stripped from us.

Twenty-three years later she has got her own show.  Sadly I did not hear about it until recently.  Needless to say, after hearing it existed I rushed to see what it contained (as her appearances in the modern Doctor Who series left many things unanswered).  BBC decided to make a companion program for Doctor Who aimed at the youth (my guess is ages 9yrs - 15yrs) and decided Sarah Jane Smith was the character for the job.  It is obvious from the start that it is not as dark as Doctor Who.  It has a very young cast supporting Sarah Jane which tells you the content will be subdued.  Do not let that fool you.  The Sarah Jane Adventures are still full of adventure and aliens.  The range of exploits, villains, guests and gadgetry fill the screen with all the wonders you would expect.  For the truly nostalgic they even returned the best pet with a laser nose anyone could have - K-9!

Now I am not saying this is for every Doctor Who fan - it isn't.  You need to still have a touch of your "childlike innocence" living in your jaded bodies.  If you are one to complain that "this isn't just like that...blah...blah...blah" (outside continuity/errors and such) you will have tons to bitch about.  For those who still remember fondly the wonders found when young this can be a refreshing show.  Also it looks to be good to view as a family.  Face it - Dad's are often the sci-fi fan in the house & this is a good way for them (and/or Mom's) to introduce this epic slice of the Universe to them.

Sadly the series ended after the first three episodes of the fifth season were filmed due to the death of Ms. Elisabeth Sladen.  I am glad that I chose her to be my companion on this first article writing in this blog as she has always been the best companion in the Universe.  May her adventures continue across space and time.

R.I.P. - Elisabeth Sladen

(1 February, 1946 - 19 April, 2011)

** Link above provided to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures online  **http://www.tv-links.eu/tv-shows/The-Sarah-Jane-adventures_13043/
(note: edited link address with better link - 1 September, 2011)

Born of Madness

Welcome!

Here is where I will be tormenting you with my thoughts on anything I like.  Mostly movies, music, toys, games and anything that holds my attention for more than 10 seconds will be reviewed here.  I am not one to candy-coat my thoughts so proceed at your own risk.  If you are looking for reviews that repeat the same lines or tell you the same lies you are out of luck.  I am not sponsored nor tied to any companies; my opinions will always be my honest opinions.  I call "crap" when I see "crap".  I also can find some things most feel to be "crap" to be wonderful and will share what/why they are wonderful.  I am not here for your opinions - you are here for mine.

Now, before we go further - rules.  Rule #1 - DON'T BE A DICK!!!  Keep your comments relevant and polite.  I will not tolerate "trolls" in any form.  Minding your manners & keeping a civil tongue will make you a member of this internet community.  We do not have to agree on things - we just have to disagree in a "grown-up" fashion and mind our manners.  Hopefully that will be the only needed rule here.

Thank You - Sinningflesh