Season of the Dead: Week 2 or 3

(part 1)

Alright - I have not been keeping up as it seems that interest in this blog is low.  Still, there are a few movies i do wish to write about & will continue to torture you with my abuse of words.  I have thrown out the list I was planning on using and will be posting from the head/heart.  Any complaints will find you in a shallow grave with a horde of angry badgers tied to your limbs.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

In the 1970's a series of Spanish zombie films came to light that actually covered an area missed by other zombie flicks - the fact that the eyes rot out of a skull.  The series is four movies long and gives a scattered account of Knights Templars who stole the secrets of immortality.  This review will be of the first two movies as they are available on a double-sided DVD.  The first movie is Tombs of the Blind Dead (video link)(sorry, it is in Spanish & not subtitled) deals with the awakening of angry Knights Templar zombies who used human sacrifices to maintain a semblance of life.  Thing is they are really angry because they are nothing more than animated skeletons held together with the remnants of cartilage and skin.  Oh, yeah, and they are blind (duh!).

(Pretty creepy looking.  Notice beards are eternal.)

The movie has two long time friends who used to experiment in lesbianism (which has NOTHING to do with the story but is in there anyway) together going on a trip with some strange man (he just appears, asks them on a trip and does little else).  On the way one of the girls (the sexy brunette) gets annoyed with her friend (skanky blonde/red-head) and the man and jumps off the train.  This leads her to some ruins where she decides to camp.  While the blonde and man continue their trip (some friend she is) the brunette starts a fire, plays some music & teases men in the audience by undressing yet having her appealing form blocked by the flames of the fire she set (really, the flames seem to know what they are doing when blocking the view).  What the brunette does not know is that her presence has awakened the Knights Templars!  First we see some not-so-great looking zombie/skeletal hands push through the soil then get much higher quality (for the 1970's) zombies.  The Templars are wearing their hooded robes and donning their various weapons; they are dressed to kill.  Thing is they can not see who they are going to kill (which sucks for them).  Oh, no, they instead shamble around and home-in on the sounds of their victim.  It seems that the cartilage & bones of the inner ear last a long time because they have amazing hearing.  First her heartbeat and breathing lead them to her but once they fondle her screams of terror make their hunt much easier.  Sadly the best looking person in the film dies and leaves us with crap for eye-candy.

~ Now some may be asking if I am being fair to the women with my descriptions so I will post pics of both for you to decide: ~

 (Pretty, yes?)

(Skanky, no?)

~ Does THAT settle the matter? ~

Anyway...while the yummy one is being attacked by zombies the skank and her man fart around, find out that the ruins are cursed and decide to wait until tomorrow to find the friend.  {Yup, my upset friend is alone in a cursed area where people die or go missing frequently...I think I'll be selfish & enjoy this man instead of worrying about her.}  Well, the skank and man set out the next morning on horseback to find the girl.  What they find is her nibbled on corpse!  (It's the 70's & Spain - they did not do graphic disembowelment much then).  The body is taken in for an autopsy &  reanimates...then gets destroyed.

Well, the skank & guy return to the scene to find a sleazy guy & his broad.  They do not get along well.  As sleazy is being a thug the Templars attack.  Few survive.  The skank gets to a train with the hopes of escape.  Oddly enough the Templars rode their horses (which are eyeless once their hoods are removed) and catch the train before it leaves.  The passengers and crew are unprepared for the newest boarders.  Well, when the train finally arrives at the station there is only one living being aboard...the skank.  She is insane from the horror and can't tell people that the train is filled with zombies.

The second movie, Return of the Blind Dead,  is a bit better.  It takes place in a town called Barzano.  There the legends are still known yet not held as fact.  So, of course when they have a little festival they are unprepared for the Templars return.  This time the Knights Templars are seeking to continue their bloody rites.  Yes, breasts are exposed and then stabbed.  Zombies ride down anyone foolish enough to still have a beating heart.  This movie also gives more details of these Knights Templars.  It tells of how the Knights got the secrets, how they conducted the rituals and how they got punished by the villagers.  A nice sequel to the first even if some things are a bit "off".

Honestly,. though they are limited by the times they are still well worth watching.  Aside form a few of the prop skeleton parts the zombies look quite eerie.  They don't moan or give "one-liners" - they just come at you with a patience only the dead can have.  If you enjoy zombies or old horror you would be wise to check this out.  Be warned - the acting in the first is dreadful.  If you think Spanish soap-operas are bad then you haven't suffered.  Still, even if you use the above link & watch it without subtitles you can still enjoy the Templars.  The second one is better all around.  The third & fourth stray a bit as the Templars go ship-board.  They are good but the movies are just not quite the same.  I would not say to miss them - just realize they are more "ghost ship" movies than sword wielding zombie movies.

A little trivia - As Spain does not like anything that makes it look bad or reminds people of bad things from it's past the Knights Templars in the movies are NOT Spanish.  Instead they are supposed to be Anglo-European/Germanic (or anything BUT Spanish).  It was a small concession the director made to give us these wonderful zombie films.

Please check out my friend and amazing artist - Allen Jaeger - collection of miniatures.  There are several which he converted into a TOMBS of the BLIND DEAD army (HERE).  Also see his other art at his personal site (HERE).  Fans of horror and industrial/rock/metal will enjoy what he does so very well.

(Totally Bad-Assed)

Season of the Dead: Week I (parts 5, 6 &7)

(part 5 of "kid friendly" movies)

It looks like my interweb problems are squashed.  Let us hope that it is not a trick to lure me into a false sense of security before they send an army of Space Monkeys to attack me.

(don't be fooled - they are evil to the core)

Though my planned deadline to post these movies has passed I will not disappoint  my adoring fans - the seven of you are appreciated.  We will begin with a movie that keeps the "Famous Monsters" alive-ish.

Name a movie that has the following: Dracula, a Mummy, Frankenstein's Monster, a Werewolf and a lagoon-inhabiting Creature.  No!  It is not a Scooby Doo movie!  But it does have some meddling kids.  The movie is THE MONSTER SQUAD.  Yes, the movie that taught us the Doctor was Frankenstein, that when meeting the Monster "Don't be chicken-shit!" and that "Wolfman's got nards!".

The Squad consisted of the "typical" 80's collection of kid heroes - the preppy-ish leader, his little sister, the skinny nerd who has a hot sister, the fat kid with a funny name and the retro-styled "greaser".  Based out of a tree-house in the leader's back yard the Squad is actually a club of monster fans.  They debate different thoughts on the monsters as well as discuss movies and comic books.  In short - they were nerdy.  And since being nerdy was acceptable in the 80's this movie found fans.  Many fans.

It all starts when Van Helsing goes to fight Dracula and screws up.  There, in Dracula's dungeon among corpses, blood sucking harlots and armadillos (yes, there are two in the beginning.  Why?  I don't know.) Van Helsing gets a virgin (they were kinda common then & easy to find) to speak some German gibberish (probably a recipe for liver & cabbage) while wielding a magic talisman (shiny rock).  Well all the monsters went away.  Thing is they were not destroyed.  In 100 years they could return & wreak havoc.  Great job Van Helsing.

Fast forward 99 years and 363 days to some tragically bland city in America.  A crate filled with a mysterious "dead" body falls from a plane, a 2,000 year old mummy goes missing and a crazy man screaming he is a werewolf flips out in a police station.  (this boring town is getting interesting)  The heroes to be have just gotten a new member - the "cool" kid.  They also find out the have a great view into one member's older sister's room!  (sadly all but the "cool" kid were too nerdy to appreciate that).  The preppy kid gets a gift from his mother of Van Helsing's diary.  How cool is that?  Getting a diary of the best known monster hunter has got to be amazing.  Sadly, it kinda sucks.  See the diary is written in German and none of the kids speak German.  There's only one thing they can do - go talk to the "Scary German Guy".

Dracula sends Frankenstein's Monster to retrieve the diary.  The kids find out about a spell and the legend of the talisman - that it is concentrated "good" & is indestructible except for one night every hundred years at the stroke of midnight.  Well, as luck would have it tomorrow is that hundred year date!  That means the monsters will be hunting for the talisman and the diary with the spell in it.  Awso....wait...tomorrow?  Aww crap.  That means these pathetic lads are the main interest of the monsters.  How are kids who've never even kissed someone gonna stop a Euro-trash pimp like Dracula?  Oh, they are in serious doody.  I mean the ONLY thing they have going for them is the fact they are virgins & virgins never get it in scary movies.  Right?

Well, as it turns out the Monster does find the kids.  Of course his having the mind of a child allows him to befriend the preppy's 5 year old sister who then introduces him to the club.  The Monster reveals as much of Dracula's plans as he can & the kids get to work as the newly named Monster Squad.  They only have a few hours to find the talisman, find a virgin (in the modern age - that ain't easy...because she is), get some weapons and stop the monsters.  The man who becomes the Werewolf uses his last bits of sanity to warn the preppy's father, a police detective, that his son is about to get murdered.  So now the dad & his partner are in the fight.  Time is running short with so much to do.

The kids go to the house where the diary had been found in hopes of finding the talisman.  While there they lose the Monster to a deep hole but find the talisman...and some broads who wanna give them serious 'hickeys'.  As luck would have it the designer of the home read The Hardy Boy's Mysteries and included a secret switch on a statue which allowed the kids to escape.  As they flee Scary German Guy arrives to give his aid and a ride.  And it comes just in time as The Mummy attacks the groups.  Thanks to cool heads and a fearless puppy the Mummy's plans unravel (get the pun?).  The Monster Squad decides the safest place to use the talisman & say the German spell is at a church (because using the dark arts there is always good).  Off to the center of town they go.

This is where I stop telling the story & you get the movie.  Save your bitching, the end is great and it should be seen with the kids.  It has it all including an exploding werewolf!  Will that prove or disprove the legend of killing one?  Find out by watching it.  It has a fun cast and is probably the first and ONLY movie to have versions of ALL the great Universal Monsters (even though this was not a Universal film) together.  All of the monsters look great and are portrayed close to their original styles.  It isn't bloody nor is the language too bad - "chicken-shit" & "asshole" are about it.  It has enough laughs to keep any scary scenes from ever becoming traumatic to the youngsters.  In my opinion failure to watch this movie by Halloween is a crime.

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(part 6)


For this part we are going back to the days when the Classic Monsters were still fresh & new.  We are going back to the days before the world was colorized.  Back to when two bumbling idiots could take on anything without CGI, vulgarity or automatic weapons.  We are going way back to 1948!

In the 1940's Universal's Monsters were some of the biggest headlines in movie theaters.  Though each was loved by the masses they had one big problem - getting them together in a solid movie.  Two attempts had been made ("House of Frankenstein" - 1944 and "House of Dracula" 1945) yet neither had it all together.  Both were  poorly constructed and ended up leaving fans with some disappointment.  Well, in an attempt to either fix that or to at least make a movie that could be written-off if it failed the studio turned to the idea of making a  "horror-comedy".  They took three of the best loved Monsters and two well loved comedians and pitted them against each other with an amazing film being made.  Keep aware for a "cameo" of a fourth Monster.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein is the result of that experiment.  Here two freight handlers lives get turned upside-down after crates with the bodies of Dracula and Frankenstein's Monster arrive at their job.  Before the crates are claimed a trans-Atlantic phone-call an anxious man urgently warns the men to NOT deliver the crate then the call becomes distorted with the sound of an angry canine as the man stops talking.  Well, not delivering...that seems doable...until the real owner of the crates shows up and is having a hissy-fit.  He not only demands they deliver the crates immediately but also that he be there to assure the condition of the contents.  At some point while delivering the crates to the obnoxious "House of Horrors" owner's business weird things occur, the bodies disappear, the owner finds the bodies are missing and the duo get arrested.

Remember I said "weird things occur"?  Well I haven't touched on the weirdest of them though it is first noticed early in the film and gets more weird after the guys get arrested.  It seems that they were bailed out by a hot dame!  Well, "Wilbur" (Costello - the short round one) has a hot dame who is also a Doctor.  Wait!  The short, bumbling idiot has a hot woman on his arm?  Yes, he does.  So she bailed them out, right?  Uh, no.  Another beauty did.  That must be "Chick's" (Abbott - skinny, arrogant one) girl...right?  WRONG!  The one who bailed them out seems to have a thing for "Wilbur" too.  Yes, the short, round, bumbling idiot has TWO beautiful ladies hot for him!!!  Life ain't fair.  The best part is they both want him for his mind.

It seems that his main squeeze is in league with Dracula to steal "Wilbur's" brain.  She happens to be a Doctor who is no-longer allowed to practice due to 'questionable' practices.  The other is an investigator hoping "Wilbur" will lead her to the missing bodies.  Of course this gets more complicated when they all end up at the residence Dracula has take up and "Wilbur" ends up with both dames as dates to a costume party.  Also going to the party is "Mr. Talbot" (the Wolfman).  Well, needless to say that mayhem & chaos ensue.

This is one of those classics that should never be forgotten.  It has the Classic Monsters with two of the original three actors playing it "straight" while two of the most beloved comedians play for laughs.  There's one scene with Costello sitting on the Monster's lap - Costello was allowed to improve his shtick which left them taking multiple takes as the Monster kept laughing.  If you look closely during the scene you can see the Monster trying not to laugh.  This is one for the whole family.  Get the oldest and the youngest together and enjoy.

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(part 7)


I believe this is the show everyone waits for during Halloween.  It has been a staple in homes now for 45 years!  It has a cast we are all familiar with; an intelligent boy with insecurity issues, a girl with a sadistic streak, a not-so-bright girl with an unanswered crush on the insecure boy, a dog with fantastic dreams of more than a bone and his owner, a lad much like Professor Xavier before the mind powers developed.  In all honesty this doesn't sound too good.

Fear not!  What I am presenting to you will not disappoint!  You will be glad you watched it.  So, make some popcorn, fill a tub with apples, grab your costumes and have friends over for a party as it is time to watch - IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN.

Families in 1966 were the first to enjoy what was to become a holiday classic.  The comic strip characters of Charles M. Schulz filled T.V. sets with the antics of these odd children and their Halloween escapades.  Linus sleeping in a pumpkin patch in hopes of seeing "The Great Pumpkin", Sally staying with him due to her crush, Lucy wearing a very fitting costume of a wicked witch (not to be confused with the good witches - damned PC bulls**t and Wiccans whining that ANY green-faced witch is an attack on them when clearly "Glenda" was a good witch and was not green at all as only the wicked witches were green faced but do they acknowledge that difference?), Snoopy becomes a "WWI  Flying Ace" and Charlie Brown becomes the most pathetic ghost ever.

What did this amazing cartoon show us?  Well, it showed us that it is alright to have dreams as long as we are also ready to deal with disappointment.  It showed us that even a severe crush can be ruined by spending a night alone in a garden and not trying to kiss the girl.  It showed that dogs get drunk on root beer after flying over battlefields on their doghouses.  It also showed the most important thing that every kid should know - you better have an awesome costume if you want awesome treats!  Yup!  I said it.  Charlie Brown had a crappy costume & he got rocks.  Not "Pop-Rocks".  Not "Rock Candy".  Hell, he didn't even get the kind of "rocks" that celebrities like.  Nope, he got plain old garden rocks.  If he had a good costume he would've had candy.  Even Pig-Pen got candy!!!

There was a party, girls got kissed by dogs, people danced and a good time was had by nearly all.  You would think that was the end.  Oddly enough it isn't.  See this cartoon made such an impression with people it has been parodied by the T.V. show "The Simpsons".

(I was hoping to put a video of the Simpson's parody but couldn't find a good one)

Now get out and buy grab these classics for your family to enjoy!!!

PROBLEMS!!!

As I am having problems with my interwebs posts will be delayed.  I WILL have the final bit of "kid safe" movies up A.S.A.P..

Until then I will rage in my cage.