Season of the Dead: Week 2 or 3

(part 1)

Alright - I have not been keeping up as it seems that interest in this blog is low.  Still, there are a few movies i do wish to write about & will continue to torture you with my abuse of words.  I have thrown out the list I was planning on using and will be posting from the head/heart.  Any complaints will find you in a shallow grave with a horde of angry badgers tied to your limbs.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

In the 1970's a series of Spanish zombie films came to light that actually covered an area missed by other zombie flicks - the fact that the eyes rot out of a skull.  The series is four movies long and gives a scattered account of Knights Templars who stole the secrets of immortality.  This review will be of the first two movies as they are available on a double-sided DVD.  The first movie is Tombs of the Blind Dead (video link)(sorry, it is in Spanish & not subtitled) deals with the awakening of angry Knights Templar zombies who used human sacrifices to maintain a semblance of life.  Thing is they are really angry because they are nothing more than animated skeletons held together with the remnants of cartilage and skin.  Oh, yeah, and they are blind (duh!).

(Pretty creepy looking.  Notice beards are eternal.)

The movie has two long time friends who used to experiment in lesbianism (which has NOTHING to do with the story but is in there anyway) together going on a trip with some strange man (he just appears, asks them on a trip and does little else).  On the way one of the girls (the sexy brunette) gets annoyed with her friend (skanky blonde/red-head) and the man and jumps off the train.  This leads her to some ruins where she decides to camp.  While the blonde and man continue their trip (some friend she is) the brunette starts a fire, plays some music & teases men in the audience by undressing yet having her appealing form blocked by the flames of the fire she set (really, the flames seem to know what they are doing when blocking the view).  What the brunette does not know is that her presence has awakened the Knights Templars!  First we see some not-so-great looking zombie/skeletal hands push through the soil then get much higher quality (for the 1970's) zombies.  The Templars are wearing their hooded robes and donning their various weapons; they are dressed to kill.  Thing is they can not see who they are going to kill (which sucks for them).  Oh, no, they instead shamble around and home-in on the sounds of their victim.  It seems that the cartilage & bones of the inner ear last a long time because they have amazing hearing.  First her heartbeat and breathing lead them to her but once they fondle her screams of terror make their hunt much easier.  Sadly the best looking person in the film dies and leaves us with crap for eye-candy.

~ Now some may be asking if I am being fair to the women with my descriptions so I will post pics of both for you to decide: ~

 (Pretty, yes?)

(Skanky, no?)

~ Does THAT settle the matter? ~

Anyway...while the yummy one is being attacked by zombies the skank and her man fart around, find out that the ruins are cursed and decide to wait until tomorrow to find the friend.  {Yup, my upset friend is alone in a cursed area where people die or go missing frequently...I think I'll be selfish & enjoy this man instead of worrying about her.}  Well, the skank and man set out the next morning on horseback to find the girl.  What they find is her nibbled on corpse!  (It's the 70's & Spain - they did not do graphic disembowelment much then).  The body is taken in for an autopsy &  reanimates...then gets destroyed.

Well, the skank & guy return to the scene to find a sleazy guy & his broad.  They do not get along well.  As sleazy is being a thug the Templars attack.  Few survive.  The skank gets to a train with the hopes of escape.  Oddly enough the Templars rode their horses (which are eyeless once their hoods are removed) and catch the train before it leaves.  The passengers and crew are unprepared for the newest boarders.  Well, when the train finally arrives at the station there is only one living being aboard...the skank.  She is insane from the horror and can't tell people that the train is filled with zombies.

The second movie, Return of the Blind Dead,  is a bit better.  It takes place in a town called Barzano.  There the legends are still known yet not held as fact.  So, of course when they have a little festival they are unprepared for the Templars return.  This time the Knights Templars are seeking to continue their bloody rites.  Yes, breasts are exposed and then stabbed.  Zombies ride down anyone foolish enough to still have a beating heart.  This movie also gives more details of these Knights Templars.  It tells of how the Knights got the secrets, how they conducted the rituals and how they got punished by the villagers.  A nice sequel to the first even if some things are a bit "off".

Honestly,. though they are limited by the times they are still well worth watching.  Aside form a few of the prop skeleton parts the zombies look quite eerie.  They don't moan or give "one-liners" - they just come at you with a patience only the dead can have.  If you enjoy zombies or old horror you would be wise to check this out.  Be warned - the acting in the first is dreadful.  If you think Spanish soap-operas are bad then you haven't suffered.  Still, even if you use the above link & watch it without subtitles you can still enjoy the Templars.  The second one is better all around.  The third & fourth stray a bit as the Templars go ship-board.  They are good but the movies are just not quite the same.  I would not say to miss them - just realize they are more "ghost ship" movies than sword wielding zombie movies.

A little trivia - As Spain does not like anything that makes it look bad or reminds people of bad things from it's past the Knights Templars in the movies are NOT Spanish.  Instead they are supposed to be Anglo-European/Germanic (or anything BUT Spanish).  It was a small concession the director made to give us these wonderful zombie films.

Please check out my friend and amazing artist - Allen Jaeger - collection of miniatures.  There are several which he converted into a TOMBS of the BLIND DEAD army (HERE).  Also see his other art at his personal site (HERE).  Fans of horror and industrial/rock/metal will enjoy what he does so very well.

(Totally Bad-Assed)

Season of the Dead: Week I (parts 5, 6 &7)

(part 5 of "kid friendly" movies)

It looks like my interweb problems are squashed.  Let us hope that it is not a trick to lure me into a false sense of security before they send an army of Space Monkeys to attack me.

(don't be fooled - they are evil to the core)

Though my planned deadline to post these movies has passed I will not disappoint  my adoring fans - the seven of you are appreciated.  We will begin with a movie that keeps the "Famous Monsters" alive-ish.

Name a movie that has the following: Dracula, a Mummy, Frankenstein's Monster, a Werewolf and a lagoon-inhabiting Creature.  No!  It is not a Scooby Doo movie!  But it does have some meddling kids.  The movie is THE MONSTER SQUAD.  Yes, the movie that taught us the Doctor was Frankenstein, that when meeting the Monster "Don't be chicken-shit!" and that "Wolfman's got nards!".

The Squad consisted of the "typical" 80's collection of kid heroes - the preppy-ish leader, his little sister, the skinny nerd who has a hot sister, the fat kid with a funny name and the retro-styled "greaser".  Based out of a tree-house in the leader's back yard the Squad is actually a club of monster fans.  They debate different thoughts on the monsters as well as discuss movies and comic books.  In short - they were nerdy.  And since being nerdy was acceptable in the 80's this movie found fans.  Many fans.

It all starts when Van Helsing goes to fight Dracula and screws up.  There, in Dracula's dungeon among corpses, blood sucking harlots and armadillos (yes, there are two in the beginning.  Why?  I don't know.) Van Helsing gets a virgin (they were kinda common then & easy to find) to speak some German gibberish (probably a recipe for liver & cabbage) while wielding a magic talisman (shiny rock).  Well all the monsters went away.  Thing is they were not destroyed.  In 100 years they could return & wreak havoc.  Great job Van Helsing.

Fast forward 99 years and 363 days to some tragically bland city in America.  A crate filled with a mysterious "dead" body falls from a plane, a 2,000 year old mummy goes missing and a crazy man screaming he is a werewolf flips out in a police station.  (this boring town is getting interesting)  The heroes to be have just gotten a new member - the "cool" kid.  They also find out the have a great view into one member's older sister's room!  (sadly all but the "cool" kid were too nerdy to appreciate that).  The preppy kid gets a gift from his mother of Van Helsing's diary.  How cool is that?  Getting a diary of the best known monster hunter has got to be amazing.  Sadly, it kinda sucks.  See the diary is written in German and none of the kids speak German.  There's only one thing they can do - go talk to the "Scary German Guy".

Dracula sends Frankenstein's Monster to retrieve the diary.  The kids find out about a spell and the legend of the talisman - that it is concentrated "good" & is indestructible except for one night every hundred years at the stroke of midnight.  Well, as luck would have it tomorrow is that hundred year date!  That means the monsters will be hunting for the talisman and the diary with the spell in it.  Awso....wait...tomorrow?  Aww crap.  That means these pathetic lads are the main interest of the monsters.  How are kids who've never even kissed someone gonna stop a Euro-trash pimp like Dracula?  Oh, they are in serious doody.  I mean the ONLY thing they have going for them is the fact they are virgins & virgins never get it in scary movies.  Right?

Well, as it turns out the Monster does find the kids.  Of course his having the mind of a child allows him to befriend the preppy's 5 year old sister who then introduces him to the club.  The Monster reveals as much of Dracula's plans as he can & the kids get to work as the newly named Monster Squad.  They only have a few hours to find the talisman, find a virgin (in the modern age - that ain't easy...because she is), get some weapons and stop the monsters.  The man who becomes the Werewolf uses his last bits of sanity to warn the preppy's father, a police detective, that his son is about to get murdered.  So now the dad & his partner are in the fight.  Time is running short with so much to do.

The kids go to the house where the diary had been found in hopes of finding the talisman.  While there they lose the Monster to a deep hole but find the talisman...and some broads who wanna give them serious 'hickeys'.  As luck would have it the designer of the home read The Hardy Boy's Mysteries and included a secret switch on a statue which allowed the kids to escape.  As they flee Scary German Guy arrives to give his aid and a ride.  And it comes just in time as The Mummy attacks the groups.  Thanks to cool heads and a fearless puppy the Mummy's plans unravel (get the pun?).  The Monster Squad decides the safest place to use the talisman & say the German spell is at a church (because using the dark arts there is always good).  Off to the center of town they go.

This is where I stop telling the story & you get the movie.  Save your bitching, the end is great and it should be seen with the kids.  It has it all including an exploding werewolf!  Will that prove or disprove the legend of killing one?  Find out by watching it.  It has a fun cast and is probably the first and ONLY movie to have versions of ALL the great Universal Monsters (even though this was not a Universal film) together.  All of the monsters look great and are portrayed close to their original styles.  It isn't bloody nor is the language too bad - "chicken-shit" & "asshole" are about it.  It has enough laughs to keep any scary scenes from ever becoming traumatic to the youngsters.  In my opinion failure to watch this movie by Halloween is a crime.

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(part 6)


For this part we are going back to the days when the Classic Monsters were still fresh & new.  We are going back to the days before the world was colorized.  Back to when two bumbling idiots could take on anything without CGI, vulgarity or automatic weapons.  We are going way back to 1948!

In the 1940's Universal's Monsters were some of the biggest headlines in movie theaters.  Though each was loved by the masses they had one big problem - getting them together in a solid movie.  Two attempts had been made ("House of Frankenstein" - 1944 and "House of Dracula" 1945) yet neither had it all together.  Both were  poorly constructed and ended up leaving fans with some disappointment.  Well, in an attempt to either fix that or to at least make a movie that could be written-off if it failed the studio turned to the idea of making a  "horror-comedy".  They took three of the best loved Monsters and two well loved comedians and pitted them against each other with an amazing film being made.  Keep aware for a "cameo" of a fourth Monster.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein is the result of that experiment.  Here two freight handlers lives get turned upside-down after crates with the bodies of Dracula and Frankenstein's Monster arrive at their job.  Before the crates are claimed a trans-Atlantic phone-call an anxious man urgently warns the men to NOT deliver the crate then the call becomes distorted with the sound of an angry canine as the man stops talking.  Well, not delivering...that seems doable...until the real owner of the crates shows up and is having a hissy-fit.  He not only demands they deliver the crates immediately but also that he be there to assure the condition of the contents.  At some point while delivering the crates to the obnoxious "House of Horrors" owner's business weird things occur, the bodies disappear, the owner finds the bodies are missing and the duo get arrested.

Remember I said "weird things occur"?  Well I haven't touched on the weirdest of them though it is first noticed early in the film and gets more weird after the guys get arrested.  It seems that they were bailed out by a hot dame!  Well, "Wilbur" (Costello - the short round one) has a hot dame who is also a Doctor.  Wait!  The short, bumbling idiot has a hot woman on his arm?  Yes, he does.  So she bailed them out, right?  Uh, no.  Another beauty did.  That must be "Chick's" (Abbott - skinny, arrogant one) girl...right?  WRONG!  The one who bailed them out seems to have a thing for "Wilbur" too.  Yes, the short, round, bumbling idiot has TWO beautiful ladies hot for him!!!  Life ain't fair.  The best part is they both want him for his mind.

It seems that his main squeeze is in league with Dracula to steal "Wilbur's" brain.  She happens to be a Doctor who is no-longer allowed to practice due to 'questionable' practices.  The other is an investigator hoping "Wilbur" will lead her to the missing bodies.  Of course this gets more complicated when they all end up at the residence Dracula has take up and "Wilbur" ends up with both dames as dates to a costume party.  Also going to the party is "Mr. Talbot" (the Wolfman).  Well, needless to say that mayhem & chaos ensue.

This is one of those classics that should never be forgotten.  It has the Classic Monsters with two of the original three actors playing it "straight" while two of the most beloved comedians play for laughs.  There's one scene with Costello sitting on the Monster's lap - Costello was allowed to improve his shtick which left them taking multiple takes as the Monster kept laughing.  If you look closely during the scene you can see the Monster trying not to laugh.  This is one for the whole family.  Get the oldest and the youngest together and enjoy.

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(part 7)


I believe this is the show everyone waits for during Halloween.  It has been a staple in homes now for 45 years!  It has a cast we are all familiar with; an intelligent boy with insecurity issues, a girl with a sadistic streak, a not-so-bright girl with an unanswered crush on the insecure boy, a dog with fantastic dreams of more than a bone and his owner, a lad much like Professor Xavier before the mind powers developed.  In all honesty this doesn't sound too good.

Fear not!  What I am presenting to you will not disappoint!  You will be glad you watched it.  So, make some popcorn, fill a tub with apples, grab your costumes and have friends over for a party as it is time to watch - IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN.

Families in 1966 were the first to enjoy what was to become a holiday classic.  The comic strip characters of Charles M. Schulz filled T.V. sets with the antics of these odd children and their Halloween escapades.  Linus sleeping in a pumpkin patch in hopes of seeing "The Great Pumpkin", Sally staying with him due to her crush, Lucy wearing a very fitting costume of a wicked witch (not to be confused with the good witches - damned PC bulls**t and Wiccans whining that ANY green-faced witch is an attack on them when clearly "Glenda" was a good witch and was not green at all as only the wicked witches were green faced but do they acknowledge that difference?), Snoopy becomes a "WWI  Flying Ace" and Charlie Brown becomes the most pathetic ghost ever.

What did this amazing cartoon show us?  Well, it showed us that it is alright to have dreams as long as we are also ready to deal with disappointment.  It showed us that even a severe crush can be ruined by spending a night alone in a garden and not trying to kiss the girl.  It showed that dogs get drunk on root beer after flying over battlefields on their doghouses.  It also showed the most important thing that every kid should know - you better have an awesome costume if you want awesome treats!  Yup!  I said it.  Charlie Brown had a crappy costume & he got rocks.  Not "Pop-Rocks".  Not "Rock Candy".  Hell, he didn't even get the kind of "rocks" that celebrities like.  Nope, he got plain old garden rocks.  If he had a good costume he would've had candy.  Even Pig-Pen got candy!!!

There was a party, girls got kissed by dogs, people danced and a good time was had by nearly all.  You would think that was the end.  Oddly enough it isn't.  See this cartoon made such an impression with people it has been parodied by the T.V. show "The Simpsons".

(I was hoping to put a video of the Simpson's parody but couldn't find a good one)

Now get out and buy grab these classics for your family to enjoy!!!

PROBLEMS!!!

As I am having problems with my interwebs posts will be delayed.  I WILL have the final bit of "kid safe" movies up A.S.A.P..

Until then I will rage in my cage.

Season of the Dead: Week I (parts 3 & 4)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(parts 3 & 4)

(Part 3)

Sorry I did not post yesterday - laptop issues took too long to fix.  So, to make up for that I will be doing a *DOUBLE FEATURE* tonight!

First up in this post of "kid safe" movies is a movie that answers the geek question "What if Tribbles evolved into a predator species instead of giant dust-bunnies?".  The answer:  CRITTERS!!!

That's right, an alien even Captain Kirk wouldn't want to "romance".  Wow!  Is there such a creature?  Yes, there is.  This movie is a Gremlins knock-off that has creature which resemble the mating of a Tribble and a Gremlin.  Give them the personality of a dim-witted frat-boy crossed with a garbage disposal then cover it in fur and you have a Crite (the creature's species).  

It starts with a pair of galactic bounty hunters losing their catch of eight Crites.  The escape sets the fugitives in a small town in Kansas.  If Dorothy thought she had it bad she doesn't know how bad things can get.  She would wish for an army of flying monkeys any day over these toy ball sized beings who will devour you in moments. Anyway...the Crites hide in a farmhouse owned by a non-dysfunctional family (like those exist) who are oblivious to the peril they are in.  Things get interesting when the bounty hunters "disguise" themselves as locals (one becomes a music star who looks too much like Tim Curry to be comfortable & the other like the town's dim-wit) and the hunt begins.  Cue laser blasts, devoured people, tranquilizer darts and mad-capped comedy filling the screen with fun chaos.

This fits my "kids" criteria as the Critters are kinda cute (in a demented way) and they are actually funny.  Of course there is one instance of the "big-daddy" cuss word printed on screen BUT the rest is not so bad.  It is fun, exciting and a great way to get the young ones pumped for Halloween shenanigans.

If you enjoy the first movie I do suggest pairing it with CRITTERS 2 which continues the mayhem and skip the rest of the series.   Number 2 has one scene which still tickles me every time I see it.  Take a look and see what you think:

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(Part 4)

The second feature of this DOUBLE FEATURE has one of my favorites.  Grab some popcorn and cotton-candy, make sure your video device is hooked up to your sound system, turn the lights off and crank the volume up - a circus of fun is about to begin!

What is it that all circuses have in common?  Is it acrobats?  A strong man & bearded lady act?  Lions, tigers and bears (Oh, my!)?  Nope!  None of these.  They may have lions OR tigers OR bears but not all have all three.  They ,may have a strong man OR the bearded lady (in this day the latter is more common than the former) but not both.  Safety regulations make it hard to have acrobats nowadays.  So what is it that all circuses have in common?  They have those zany, squirting-flower wearing, pie in the face throwing, fit insane amounts of them into one super tiny vehicle individuals with big feet & red noses (no, not the local drunk) which are known world-wide as clowns.  Everyone loves clowns...right?

What if you have Coulrophobia?  Relax!  This actually isn't about clowns.  It is about a group of aliens that happen to look like clowns...and act like clowns...and do clown like things.  But their name proves they are not clowns.  They're the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE!!! The spelling of their name PROVES they are not clowns but an alien race called Klowns.  Huge difference.

C'mon...do they look dangerous?  What are they gonna do...attack you with popcorn & cotton candy?  Maybe throw a pie in your face?  Bwahahahaha!!!  Are you seriously scared of THAT?  You should be!  The pie will melt you.  They wrap you in cotton-candy then drink you through a ridiculous swizzle-straw.  And the popcorn they throw on you ends up becoming jack-in-the-box heads which will eat you!

(This popcorn wants YOU covered in butter.) 

The movie starts out  with kids making-out at "lover's lane" when they see something fall to Earth.  So, just like any other teens about to have some naughty fun, they leave to find what fell.  (O.K. - teens with zero libido and no natural urges).  While the two begin their search one local farmer does find what fell - a circus tent!  Well, being a yokel and all he just decides to have a look-see.  The last things he & his dog see are the occupants of the tent.  The couple show up soon after and they too explore.the tent thinking that it is just a circus placed way in the woods far from any roads where no-one would readily find them.  (not the brightest pair)  As they explore they realize it is a space-ship that is quite large on the inside.  (the scene has an "nod" to FORBIDDEN PLANET)  They also discover that the giant cocoons of cotton-candy are really juice-boxes for Killer Klowns! A desperate run for freedom has them set upon by Klowns shooting popcorn at them and loosing a balloon-dog to track them.  Luckily the dog pops and the kids escape.

Upon their return to civilization the kids try to get help from the cops...and fail miserably.  The boy hero gets hand-cuffed while the female gets dropped off at home by her ex-boyfriend - the cop.  Fickle Fate decides the boy does not need to do time yet and allows the hero & cop to witness a Klown attack.  As they attempt to stop the Klown with their car they miss & slam into a wall.  (actually it looks like they barely tapped it).  With the car inoperable they enlist the aid of two brothers who sell iced-cream.  Since the ice-cream sales had failed to get the brothers any lady friends they agree to do their part.  (at least they had their priorities straight)  As the pair make it back to the station and relay the news of invasion to the veteran officer the Klowns are spreading chaos & mayhem while harvesting the town.  The veteran thinks the whole town is having a joke on him,  loses his cool and runs the duo off.  Even after several phone calls from where citizens he is friends with state the reality of peril in town he will not believe it.  No sir...he will not be made a dummy of.  Or will he?

Well, as it turns out the veteran does get made into a dummy - a ventriloquist dummy at that.  While the town is being collected & biker gangs are beaten he is used to explain that people are what's for dinner and that there's nothing that can be done about it.  Well, the living cop shoots the Klown & sees that they may not have a weakness.  Then he hits the "sweet spot" - that big red honker of a nose.  Pretty lights & a mild explosion put an end to one clown.  But is he good enough to hit all of their noses?

The boyfriend and the iced-cream vendors head into town to see the most surreal scene of Klowns having a harvest parade..  So, what do they do?  Run like hell is what they do.  While that went on the heroine took the longest shower in film history.  Seriously, this girl takes a 15 minute shower!  In "film time" that equals 2 hours!  Was she really THAT skanky?  Well, while she showers the popcorn covered clothes she put in the bin start becoming restless.  After she finishes dressing the bin opens and jack-in-the-box clown heads attack!  These freaky creatures will make sure you NEVER wait to do laundry again.  Dodging past them she makes for the door only to get confronted by actual Klowns.  Well her luck has run out.  With a zap she is trapped inside a giant ball.

With the girlfriend taken away there is only one thing to do. (skip town fast?)  It is time for a rescue.  What do the heroes bring to stop an army of Killer Klowns From Outer Space?  An iced-cream truck and a cop armed with a pistol and a shotgun.  Yup, they are so DOOMED.  But being heroic means not worrying about being doomed.  So the four men figure out where the Klowns are hiding and head to the amusement park.  There they find the melted mess of the security guard who was pied to death...with a cherry on top.  REALLY!  From that horror they must navigate the most odd and lethal fun-house without getting creamed.  Well the vendors fall to traps which drop them into the arms of girl Klowns.  If you think human girls have esteem issues for wanting implants then the Klown girls beat evolution.  Yup, their boobs are inflatable and swell to a distracting enough size to mesmerize the vendors.  (poor guys)  Now the boyfriend and cop find the girl and make a dash for safety.  All they must do is get passed a small army of Klowns and they are free,  Thankfully an iced-cream truck bursts through a wall.  It seems girl Klowns just want to have fun and didn't kill the bumbling fools.  The vendors use their P.A. to pretend to be the clown head mascot on top of the truck.  Just as the group believes they will escape they are confronted by Klown Kong!  Yes, a giant Klown.  A "Boss Level" beast if you please.  The truck (and vendors) get slung across the room and explode!  DOOM!  The cop faces off against Klown Kong so the couple can escape.  As he empties his pistol into the beast he is snatched up.  The couple, free of the Klown ship see that it is preparing to leave again.  The cop has second to escape being a smeared snack in space.  Out of ammo he grabs his only tool - a symbol that is important to him...his badge.  No!  He doesn't throw it like a ninja!  He uses the pin to puncture Klown Kong's nose.  But the ship has already taken off - he is screwed.  Uh-oh!  With the loss of Klown Kong the ship explodes!  The only thing to fall to Earth from the explosion was a tiny Klown car.  As the door opens we see that the cop AND the vendors survived.  The vendors had hid inside the freezer just before the explosion.  And so, with the Earth safe and the friends reunited we end with a laugh.

Here is one of the BEST songs from a movie ever!  I listen to this frequently and hope you will enjoy it too.  It is from an old punk band - The Dickies:

I hope everyone has enjoyed this DOUBLE FEATURE review.

(p.s. - something went screwy with the formatting & the font changed.  will work on it)

Season of the Dead: Week I (part 2)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(part 2)

Alright!  As you survived the first of these installments I shall continue my torture of your grey matter.  Tonight I dig up one of the WORST films loved by hundreds.  It was suggested by a friend and I decided it was so absurd & harmless that I had to put it in the "kids" section.  Besides, the theme song is always fun to listen to.

(Theme Song)

Tonight I review for you - ATTACK of the KILLER TOMATOES.  Oh, yes!  The most kid terrorizing film ever.  Kids hate vegetables (I don't care that it may technically be a fruit).  They are poisonous to the body built to eat sugar and junk.  So why would anyone in their right mind make a film about vegetables (or fruit)?  Obvious answer - they were not in their right minds.  If anything they were so far out of their minds that scientists were unable to classify them.  Because of this they were never institutionalized and instead were given a camera.  In 1978 mobs of screaming, panicking movie-goers fled theaters...and that was during the opening credits!

(When toppings get revenge)

Yes, the government has lost their experimental mutant burger toppers and now humans are on the menu.  As a town is overrun by menacing vegetation the government send the most inept men to fight them.  The heroes consist of a man named Mason Dixon who never goes anywhere without his parachute, another man who has a scuba fetish and a master of disguise that stays discreet by dressing like a Black Adolph Hitler.  Joining them is a bumbling reporter that becomes known as a "strumpet".  They are DOOMED!

Needless to say that there is not anything that can be done about this red menace.  The military has been overrun, the government has fled and the townsfolk are becoming the new salad topping.  The tomatoes range from tennis ball size to the size of small cars.  They chase you!  They leap at you!  They EAT you!  And there is nothing standing in their way!

Oh, if only they had a weakness to exploit.  An allergy to peanuts?  Bees?  Acute hearing?  Anything?!  Wait!  They DO have acute hearing.  Not only that but they are also critical of music.  If only Justen Bieber were performing then.  Alas, there was no Bieber.  But there HAD to be someone who was the equivalent back then. they had to have some annoying song that hurt to listen to.  Some voice that could drive these monsters away.  Oh, YES!  There is a song!  "Puberty Love" - a song that not only cases the tomatoes to flee but also causes them to shrivel (my guess is Bieber's dad was the singer).  Rejoice!  We are saved.  Here, listen to the song that saved the world.

(Puberty Love)

Now that we have survived the first movie you can ponder on the fact they made several sequels AND a cartoon (see, kids do like crap).  More tomato terror!  Thankfully they do one nice thing - they destroy France.  So grab a copy of this "classic" and a strong Bloody Mary, duct-tape the kids in front of the screen & share the wonder that this film holds.

(Please note this was nearly published on time but something went wrong and it got erased then rewritten)

Season of the Dead: Week I (part 1)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(part I)

Ah...Autumn is here!  Time to enjoy cooler weather, shorter days and longer nights.  It is the beginning of the long season of shopping and celebrating.  Already stores are preparing for the festivities.  The shelves are filled with candy and early sales.  The sounds of "Jingle-Bells" filling the aisles around the images of Santa Clause.

WAIT!  SANTA?!  ALREADY?

That is not right!  With the long nights beginning we should be preparing for Halloween.  This is the time we should be getting ready to watch the leaves fall, needing a jacket to walk at night and watching movies.  So, to keep the jolly fat man at bay for a while longer I will be posting a series of movies to keep you out of the stores and away from the horror which isn't supposed to start until AFTER Thanksgiving (US).  I am not in the mood to deal with this guy right now.

He just won't stop!

So, to avoid that trauma for as long as possible I have been selecting movies appropriate to the actual season.  As I have a long list I have trimmed it to certain "themes" and will run with the theme for about a week.  As it is early in the season I have decided to start with KID FRIENDLY(ish) movies to review.  This will give those with kids enough time to hunt down or "find" these movies to start getting the young 'uns ready.  You will NOT find movies like "Gremlins" or "The Nightmare Before Christmas" here - those are for the OTHER holiday.  With that said...let us begin.

So as to not be too obvious to the kids that their little minds are about to be prepped for future derangement I will start us with MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. Before the moaning begins you must accept one simple fact - kids love crappy movies.  That being said I must also point out that the big "non-kid" aspect of this  movie is the bad language; in this age that doesn't seem to bother most people so this choice falls here.

What do you do when the world goes crazy and machines revolt.  Yes, cars, phones, blenders, ATMs and every other machine have decided that you must serve them.  Well the "heroes" of this film decide hiding in a truck stop is a bright idea.  Yeah...hide where vehicles go to eat...good choice.  Thankfully they have Emilio Esteves there to save them!  Crap!  They're doomed.  Well his bad acting may be enough to stop the vehicles.  If not you can always push him in front of the main machine because it is one scary beast.  Do you REALLY want this monstrosity coming after you?

A big truck that CAN eat you!

Thing about this movie is that kids will watch it.  They will love the Green Goblin Truck.  They will laugh at times and still have some mild moments of apprehension.  They don't need to think too hard (as that makes movies boring).  They will be able to shrug-off any semblance of fear fast but will start looking at the vehicles around them differently.  It sets them up for more to come without traumatizing them.  This way they will advance to more movies at a better pace and not scream in terror when the next movie pops up.

Do not fear - this is just a "pre-season warm-up".  The next films will be of a higher standard (damn, gotta get standards) and will start moving the kids toward Halloween.  Also note that several choices for the grown-up portions of the feed will also be suitable for the kids.  Just because it isn't in this section will not mean it is bad for them.  Classics will rear their dusty heads from the deepest vaults and you may find yourself watching them with your kids feeling like a kid.

Until tomorrow...

Blah!

Update:

Sorry nothing new yet - lots of things going on and am trying to organize a themed string of posts for next month.  Hopefully I will find something inspiring for an interesting post soon.  

Until then here are some WTF videos to damage your views of humanity.

Enjoy!

A RPG for psychotics...

H.O.L.:

Human Occupied Landfill

O.K., so many of us have had our time playing one Role-Playing Game (RPG) or another.  Overall most are the same; funny dice, a party of "noble heroes" and a goal of  stopping tyrannical villainy.  HOL is not that game!  After years of searching I found an online copy and will now tell you about this deranged game.

In '94/'95 some blokes made a game, hand drew the entire book & got Black Dog (White Wolf's adult line) to publish it.  It was meant to be a game for those sick of "goody-goody" games and the need for "funny" dice.  So you grab pencil, paper, booze (yes, you'll need it) and some d6's ("regular" dice for non-gamers), get some friends together & open the book...

WHAT THE FUCK?! 

The first sign you are in trouble is this:

Right from page 1 you can see that this is NOT like anything else.  This is the work of lunacy.  A psychotic embolism given form through the written word.  Gone are the worlds of amazing beauty and fantastic creatures.  Gone are the Noble races guarding against the incursions of Evil.  Here things are foul, nasty and brutal.  It is a planet where criminals and other undesirable contents are dumped.  This is your home.  Best learn to laugh at other's misfortunes because they will be laughing at yours.

There are two sections to the book: Part 1 - KILLING THINGS & Part 2 - THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU.  At least that is simple enough...right?

Part 1 starts off with a description of HOL - "Ever been to New Jersey?  Okay, now add some high technology and make a planet out of it.  HōL is the New Jersey of the Confederation Of Worlds (C.O.W.).".  Obviously one of the creators had precognitive abilities and foresaw the coming of "Snooki".  It gives background on the formation of things.  Next come the rules.  Some are simple: rolling "boxcars" means rolling again & adding the scores until you fail to roll "boxcars" - which is pretty sweet - and rolling "snake-eyes" YOU LOSE!  Example: "Jeff's character, Fuzzteeth, is trying to tie his shoes.  The HM requires a skill roll (2 dice) and Jeff rolls snake-eyes.  The result: Fuzzteeth's head explodes.  Just one of those things, y'know?".  Yes, it can be extreme.  It goes on to give you characters (worth reading even if you never attempt to play), charts, combat and skills (I love the skill "Make anything you say sound more important than the voice of God").  If you can understand any of it to this point please call the authorities and seek a good asylum...one with thick walls & land-mines to stop you from escaping.

Part 2 is the Hol-meister (HM aka GM/DM/etc) section.  In my opinion the only people qualified for this are the same people who giggle during their shock-treatments and eat fist-fulls of Oxys chased with bottles of Everclear just to stay as close to "calm" as they ever will.  Here you get "God" stuff, XP's, money/bartering, history, C.O.W., The Church, baby eating, enemy NPCs (like the Sodomy Bikers), deranges stuff and the Bestiary which includes "Uncle Mickee".

If that doesn't creep you out nothing will!

Now, if your brain hasn't exploded or dribbled out of your skull from reading through the book you may wish to seek out the expansion book - Buttery Wholesomeness.  I have not yet found an online copy to link to BUT will say that being able to go to "Clown College" or get "Cornholed By God" does make the supplement worth getting. Also, if you get the better copy, you get a FREE BONUS GAME!!!  Yes, the game FREEBASE is included at no additional charge (except the charges you will get from Law Enforcement!).  It is a "live action" game so you can play in the "real" world.  I will not go into details but do suggest having a Bunsen burner, cotton balls, lighter, rubbing alcohol and a damned good attorney.

So give HOL a try...all you have to lose is your mind.  You weren't using it anyway.

Space Marine

Warhammer 40,000:

Space Marine

'It is the 41st Millennium.  To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions.  It is to live in the cruellest and most bloody regime imaginable.  Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned.  Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war.  There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.'

Now, if that doesn't set the scene for you not much will.  The game Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is set in this dark future.  You are a Space Marine - a genetically enhanced being far removed from normal men.  Nearing 9' tall with hardened skeleton, extra organs, enhanced everything and trained from childhood to do one thing only - kill the enemies of the Emperor.  You are encased in the best armour and wield weapons which can few can stand against.  You have bullets which explode inside the target, guns which strip armour or microwave a being instantly.  Chainswords and Thunderhammers are extensions of your arms.  And with these weapons you go to face the endless hordes of Orks.  Savage beings who feel no pain, are as strong (or stronger) as you who attack in massive waves crushing all before them.

This is a small Ork!

Later you will even face the Great Enemy - Chaos!  Yes, armies of those created like yourself 10,000 years ago who turned from the Emperor to worship Dark Gods.  Every strength you have they have plus they have 10,000 years of war which has honed their skills.  They have more than you for they have psykers channeling the power of the Warp as well as Dæmons who reside in the Warp.  Yeah, it sucks to be you!

Now let me start the actual review by setting some things down - I have been playing Warhammer 40, 000 (WH40K for short) for over 20+yrs when it was a table-top (TT) semi-role-playing game based around miniatures.  Over the decades I have seen many changes both good and damnably awful.  In addition to the TT games there have been several video games as well.  Some were extremely well done (Space Hulk, Chaos Gate & Dawn of War) yet ended up going "under the radar" (except DoW) and die-hard fans like me were the only ones to experience them.  So, with hundreds of miniatures around my home as well as various game discs, I now share my views on the newest entry.

First off this is not for everyone.  If you are the type of gamer who hates getting "stuck-in" and prefers to shoot enemies from miles away you will hate this.  Yes, they have long-range weapons...but the enemies are rarely far long enough to specialize in that.  Also note that this game is bloody.  Full of decapitations and exploding bodies this game will have your screen bleeding onto your floor.  If you like that kind of thing please read on.

The game has two basic modes - Campaign and Online.  The Campaign is straightforward - go from "A" to "Z" gathering weapons and slaughtering enemies.  You get plenty of action right from the start.  The first few waves are a minor touch of the swarming that will be filling your screen for hours.  The first Orks and the smaller Gretchin (goblins) are not bad.  My biggest complaint about these Orks are their voices (high-pitched English voices just don't cut it).  Thankfully you soon get bigger Orks in the mix and their voices deepen as they get bigger.

He's not even the biggest!

You will end up aiding an Inquisitor (who looks a lot like Gary Numan) who marches you into the heart of the Orks to where you will eventually meet the Warboss.  None of the Orks you have met yet are near this guy's size.  I have seen smaller tanks!  Actually he looks like a large version of the Hulk wearing a tank as armour.  Guess what - you get to dance with him.

He is not even close to you.

One thing to know: the only way to get health back is through doing a certain special attack in close-combat.  Yup, the thought of running until your health meter fills is gone.  In this game you must face everything head-on.  The best advice I can give is to pay attention to which attacks "stun" which types of Orks so you can do the move.  If you do the wrong type & don't stun them you may leave yourself open to a messy death.

The other mode is Online play - Here you randomly play as either an Imperial or a Chaos Space Marine battling against the other.  This version is different than many other similar types because you have to get "stuck in" fast.  There is no way your team can win if you hold back.  There are two game types here - Seize Ground and Annihilation.  The first is to gain & keep control of areas on the map (thankfully the maps are smallish).  Hiding & holding back will never win.

The second game is a straightforward slaughter-fest.  Imperials vs. Chaos slobber-knocker where the only goal is to kill them more than they kill you.  None of those pesky objectives to distract you from hunting & slaughtering your adversaries.  If you spend more than 3 seconds without swinging on or shooting at someone you are doing it wrong!  So choose your type of character - Tactical: moderate all around, Devastator: heavy weapons & Assault: rapid close-ranged attacks using a jump-pack and show the world how to disembowel someone with a spork!

With that out of the way let me hit on some issues.  The Online is not great yet.  Too few maps (more in October!) and their servers are wonky.  Also, to advance beyond Level 5 Online you must enter the code on the back of the manual.  If a friend wants to borrow the game and play Online they can buy the code Online (prices vary depending on which machine you have it on - Xbox is 800pts).  The "wonky" being slow loads & the match crashing if the "host" leaves.  I have confidence this will be fixed fast.  But there is a nice side - customization.  As you gain levels, kills and deaths you gain armour parts.  Some are way easy to get - the "Battle Damage" armour parts come from you getting killed.  Others are not so easy (like seeking out the same person to kill them 5x's in a single game then doing that several times online).  Still the Imperial & Chaos armours look nice.  Change parts and colors.  You can be "traditional" or "eclectic" (I have done sets in the Saints colors as well as some eye-blistering Chaos Marines) as you like.  In addition to the armour parts there are goals to achieve to get improved weapons.  Having a suped-up Thunderhammer or Meltagun makes a world of difference.

In my opinion it is a blast.  Turn on some GWAR or Gregorian Chants and kill everything.  Don't worry about thinking - this is primal.  Do remember to NOT 'chuck' your controller at the screen when you get killed!!!  Just fight harder next round and improve your skills.  Try playing the game on HARD without dying or restarting for one chapter - that alone should help with the basic survival skills you will need.  Still, I think it is worth owning.  $60 worth?  For most people - probably not.  For serious fans of violence and online domination it is worth it.

Now I will leave you as I am off to do what every good Space Marine does at the end of the day...

Kung-Fu kraziness

Alright!  This morning I started writing this article which fast became insanely long.  So, to be kind, I scrapped all of it to do this bluntly.

We NEED cheesy kung-fu movies to return!!!

Wait!  Need?  How can anyone say that with a straight face?

Yes, we do need them.  We need those cheaply made movies full of violent action and little story.  They gave us unfettered entertainment without trying to push some "politically correct" agenda on the audience.  They were filled with people who did & said what many people actually think about saying & doing.  They were not full of people worried about which insults were allowed; they used insults properly...to hurt someone's feelings!  Like the real world they displayed arrogance and the willingness of the strong to pick on the meek.  Also, like the real world, it was easy to lose track of who was who in a fight.  When you have two groups of men in pajamas, with every one between 5'7" & 5'10", of average build with the same type hair cut the same way you easily lose track of "sides".  Instead you do like folks do during a real fight - sit back & enjoy the spectacle.

Sure, these movies were shlocky.  We loved that!  Dubbed dialog let you know how "good" it was going to be - dialog & lips not remotely matching = better story telling vs dialog & lips closely matching = dialog made to fit lips not tell story.  White haired meant bad-ass villain.  Simple-minded yokel was to be brutally trained to become awesome hero guy.  Naked women had REAL TITTIES!!!  The more absurd something sounded the more likely it was super-powerful.  People did not have blood but produced red Tempera paint.  The more spots on a monk's head the more devastating his attacks were.  Most importantly - Men Were Supposed To Be Manly!!  That's right, men were expected to demonstrate they had a pair and at least attempt to defend themselves/the weak.  The bitch-boys (cowards & hyper-effeminate males - gay was not an issue in these films, gay men kicked asses too) were mocked by everyone.

Now I loved that these movies were often "timeless".  I say this because all too often you did not know "when" in time it was happening.  Unless you saw some form of technology (electric lights, sunglasses) you could be any time from 14th Century to the 20th Century.  Sorry, but the pajama styles really did not vary enough to "date" the era.  Considering that many areas in the Orient are still like this gives hope for a resurgence of these films!

So, we have men in pajamas who like to fight using techniques & weapons with bizarre names.  We have a land caught in a time-distortion where the past &  present overlap without anyone noticing.  We have old men who get drunk, get white hair and torture young men for a hobby.  We have real women who can kick-ass (though not as often the hero) and have zero need of implants.  We have a place where being a man actually means something.  We have all of this in our archives of VHS tapes & DVDs.  Sadly we need these back in our theaters & Sunday morning programming.  We need "Kung-Fu Theater" to be there to show kids (and several adults) that life is not easy.  That it takes work, dedication, a sharp mind, the sweat of your brow and the labor of your limbs to succeed in the world.  That you don't have to be the biggest or best man around as long as you aren't a bitch.  That if you catch a fly with chop-sticks, blindfolded while standing one-legged on a log over a flaming pit of spikes you CAN win the competition, get the girl and get a live chicken to make into dinner.

These were not movies looking to win an Academy Award®.  These were movies with two things in mind - entertain the masses and make money.  They did both so well their legacy lives on (poorly) in modern action films.  Still the lessons taught are needed today.  I know I am sick of movies where Keanu Reeves is considered "butch" and everyone must have the personality of  a My Little Pony.  People need to use movies like "The Street Fighter" (starring Sonny Chiba) to teach their male kids to be masculine.  To use any Michelle Yeoh movie to show girls to be "ladylike" as well as kick-ass.  We NEED them so boys will stop wearing flat-fronted pants!!!  (My ghod!  Even the smallest set needs room!!!)

I hope this inspires everyone to find some old classics & enjoy them.

(Only a real bad-ass could pull off this hair & eye-patch combo, kill folks & get the women.)

Sarah Jane Adventures

Sarah Jane Smith

Of all the companions of every incarnation of Doctor Who Sarah Jane Smith has to be the most loved of them all.  Though others came & went none had the pure magic that she had.  Small, naive and cute as a button she faced perils and horrors throughout space and time with resilience and spunk.  When the Doctor left her we felt that loss.  It was as if something grand had been stripped from us.

Twenty-three years later she has got her own show.  Sadly I did not hear about it until recently.  Needless to say, after hearing it existed I rushed to see what it contained (as her appearances in the modern Doctor Who series left many things unanswered).  BBC decided to make a companion program for Doctor Who aimed at the youth (my guess is ages 9yrs - 15yrs) and decided Sarah Jane Smith was the character for the job.  It is obvious from the start that it is not as dark as Doctor Who.  It has a very young cast supporting Sarah Jane which tells you the content will be subdued.  Do not let that fool you.  The Sarah Jane Adventures are still full of adventure and aliens.  The range of exploits, villains, guests and gadgetry fill the screen with all the wonders you would expect.  For the truly nostalgic they even returned the best pet with a laser nose anyone could have - K-9!

Now I am not saying this is for every Doctor Who fan - it isn't.  You need to still have a touch of your "childlike innocence" living in your jaded bodies.  If you are one to complain that "this isn't just like that...blah...blah...blah" (outside continuity/errors and such) you will have tons to bitch about.  For those who still remember fondly the wonders found when young this can be a refreshing show.  Also it looks to be good to view as a family.  Face it - Dad's are often the sci-fi fan in the house & this is a good way for them (and/or Mom's) to introduce this epic slice of the Universe to them.

Sadly the series ended after the first three episodes of the fifth season were filmed due to the death of Ms. Elisabeth Sladen.  I am glad that I chose her to be my companion on this first article writing in this blog as she has always been the best companion in the Universe.  May her adventures continue across space and time.

R.I.P. - Elisabeth Sladen

(1 February, 1946 - 19 April, 2011)

** Link above provided to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures online  **http://www.tv-links.eu/tv-shows/The-Sarah-Jane-adventures_13043/
(note: edited link address with better link - 1 September, 2011)