Kung-Fu kraziness

Alright!  This morning I started writing this article which fast became insanely long.  So, to be kind, I scrapped all of it to do this bluntly.

We NEED cheesy kung-fu movies to return!!!

Wait!  Need?  How can anyone say that with a straight face?

Yes, we do need them.  We need those cheaply made movies full of violent action and little story.  They gave us unfettered entertainment without trying to push some "politically correct" agenda on the audience.  They were filled with people who did & said what many people actually think about saying & doing.  They were not full of people worried about which insults were allowed; they used insults properly...to hurt someone's feelings!  Like the real world they displayed arrogance and the willingness of the strong to pick on the meek.  Also, like the real world, it was easy to lose track of who was who in a fight.  When you have two groups of men in pajamas, with every one between 5'7" & 5'10", of average build with the same type hair cut the same way you easily lose track of "sides".  Instead you do like folks do during a real fight - sit back & enjoy the spectacle.

Sure, these movies were shlocky.  We loved that!  Dubbed dialog let you know how "good" it was going to be - dialog & lips not remotely matching = better story telling vs dialog & lips closely matching = dialog made to fit lips not tell story.  White haired meant bad-ass villain.  Simple-minded yokel was to be brutally trained to become awesome hero guy.  Naked women had REAL TITTIES!!!  The more absurd something sounded the more likely it was super-powerful.  People did not have blood but produced red Tempera paint.  The more spots on a monk's head the more devastating his attacks were.  Most importantly - Men Were Supposed To Be Manly!!  That's right, men were expected to demonstrate they had a pair and at least attempt to defend themselves/the weak.  The bitch-boys (cowards & hyper-effeminate males - gay was not an issue in these films, gay men kicked asses too) were mocked by everyone.

Now I loved that these movies were often "timeless".  I say this because all too often you did not know "when" in time it was happening.  Unless you saw some form of technology (electric lights, sunglasses) you could be any time from 14th Century to the 20th Century.  Sorry, but the pajama styles really did not vary enough to "date" the era.  Considering that many areas in the Orient are still like this gives hope for a resurgence of these films!

So, we have men in pajamas who like to fight using techniques & weapons with bizarre names.  We have a land caught in a time-distortion where the past &  present overlap without anyone noticing.  We have old men who get drunk, get white hair and torture young men for a hobby.  We have real women who can kick-ass (though not as often the hero) and have zero need of implants.  We have a place where being a man actually means something.  We have all of this in our archives of VHS tapes & DVDs.  Sadly we need these back in our theaters & Sunday morning programming.  We need "Kung-Fu Theater" to be there to show kids (and several adults) that life is not easy.  That it takes work, dedication, a sharp mind, the sweat of your brow and the labor of your limbs to succeed in the world.  That you don't have to be the biggest or best man around as long as you aren't a bitch.  That if you catch a fly with chop-sticks, blindfolded while standing one-legged on a log over a flaming pit of spikes you CAN win the competition, get the girl and get a live chicken to make into dinner.

These were not movies looking to win an Academy Award®.  These were movies with two things in mind - entertain the masses and make money.  They did both so well their legacy lives on (poorly) in modern action films.  Still the lessons taught are needed today.  I know I am sick of movies where Keanu Reeves is considered "butch" and everyone must have the personality of  a My Little Pony.  People need to use movies like "The Street Fighter" (starring Sonny Chiba) to teach their male kids to be masculine.  To use any Michelle Yeoh movie to show girls to be "ladylike" as well as kick-ass.  We NEED them so boys will stop wearing flat-fronted pants!!!  (My ghod!  Even the smallest set needs room!!!)

I hope this inspires everyone to find some old classics & enjoy them.

(Only a real bad-ass could pull off this hair & eye-patch combo, kill folks & get the women.)