Season of the Dead: Week I (parts 3 & 4)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(parts 3 & 4)

(Part 3)

Sorry I did not post yesterday - laptop issues took too long to fix.  So, to make up for that I will be doing a *DOUBLE FEATURE* tonight!

First up in this post of "kid safe" movies is a movie that answers the geek question "What if Tribbles evolved into a predator species instead of giant dust-bunnies?".  The answer:  CRITTERS!!!

That's right, an alien even Captain Kirk wouldn't want to "romance".  Wow!  Is there such a creature?  Yes, there is.  This movie is a Gremlins knock-off that has creature which resemble the mating of a Tribble and a Gremlin.  Give them the personality of a dim-witted frat-boy crossed with a garbage disposal then cover it in fur and you have a Crite (the creature's species).  

It starts with a pair of galactic bounty hunters losing their catch of eight Crites.  The escape sets the fugitives in a small town in Kansas.  If Dorothy thought she had it bad she doesn't know how bad things can get.  She would wish for an army of flying monkeys any day over these toy ball sized beings who will devour you in moments. Anyway...the Crites hide in a farmhouse owned by a non-dysfunctional family (like those exist) who are oblivious to the peril they are in.  Things get interesting when the bounty hunters "disguise" themselves as locals (one becomes a music star who looks too much like Tim Curry to be comfortable & the other like the town's dim-wit) and the hunt begins.  Cue laser blasts, devoured people, tranquilizer darts and mad-capped comedy filling the screen with fun chaos.

This fits my "kids" criteria as the Critters are kinda cute (in a demented way) and they are actually funny.  Of course there is one instance of the "big-daddy" cuss word printed on screen BUT the rest is not so bad.  It is fun, exciting and a great way to get the young ones pumped for Halloween shenanigans.

If you enjoy the first movie I do suggest pairing it with CRITTERS 2 which continues the mayhem and skip the rest of the series.   Number 2 has one scene which still tickles me every time I see it.  Take a look and see what you think:

**********************************************************************************

(Part 4)

The second feature of this DOUBLE FEATURE has one of my favorites.  Grab some popcorn and cotton-candy, make sure your video device is hooked up to your sound system, turn the lights off and crank the volume up - a circus of fun is about to begin!

What is it that all circuses have in common?  Is it acrobats?  A strong man & bearded lady act?  Lions, tigers and bears (Oh, my!)?  Nope!  None of these.  They may have lions OR tigers OR bears but not all have all three.  They ,may have a strong man OR the bearded lady (in this day the latter is more common than the former) but not both.  Safety regulations make it hard to have acrobats nowadays.  So what is it that all circuses have in common?  They have those zany, squirting-flower wearing, pie in the face throwing, fit insane amounts of them into one super tiny vehicle individuals with big feet & red noses (no, not the local drunk) which are known world-wide as clowns.  Everyone loves clowns...right?

What if you have Coulrophobia?  Relax!  This actually isn't about clowns.  It is about a group of aliens that happen to look like clowns...and act like clowns...and do clown like things.  But their name proves they are not clowns.  They're the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE!!! The spelling of their name PROVES they are not clowns but an alien race called Klowns.  Huge difference.

C'mon...do they look dangerous?  What are they gonna do...attack you with popcorn & cotton candy?  Maybe throw a pie in your face?  Bwahahahaha!!!  Are you seriously scared of THAT?  You should be!  The pie will melt you.  They wrap you in cotton-candy then drink you through a ridiculous swizzle-straw.  And the popcorn they throw on you ends up becoming jack-in-the-box heads which will eat you!

(This popcorn wants YOU covered in butter.) 

The movie starts out  with kids making-out at "lover's lane" when they see something fall to Earth.  So, just like any other teens about to have some naughty fun, they leave to find what fell.  (O.K. - teens with zero libido and no natural urges).  While the two begin their search one local farmer does find what fell - a circus tent!  Well, being a yokel and all he just decides to have a look-see.  The last things he & his dog see are the occupants of the tent.  The couple show up soon after and they too explore.the tent thinking that it is just a circus placed way in the woods far from any roads where no-one would readily find them.  (not the brightest pair)  As they explore they realize it is a space-ship that is quite large on the inside.  (the scene has an "nod" to FORBIDDEN PLANET)  They also discover that the giant cocoons of cotton-candy are really juice-boxes for Killer Klowns! A desperate run for freedom has them set upon by Klowns shooting popcorn at them and loosing a balloon-dog to track them.  Luckily the dog pops and the kids escape.

Upon their return to civilization the kids try to get help from the cops...and fail miserably.  The boy hero gets hand-cuffed while the female gets dropped off at home by her ex-boyfriend - the cop.  Fickle Fate decides the boy does not need to do time yet and allows the hero & cop to witness a Klown attack.  As they attempt to stop the Klown with their car they miss & slam into a wall.  (actually it looks like they barely tapped it).  With the car inoperable they enlist the aid of two brothers who sell iced-cream.  Since the ice-cream sales had failed to get the brothers any lady friends they agree to do their part.  (at least they had their priorities straight)  As the pair make it back to the station and relay the news of invasion to the veteran officer the Klowns are spreading chaos & mayhem while harvesting the town.  The veteran thinks the whole town is having a joke on him,  loses his cool and runs the duo off.  Even after several phone calls from where citizens he is friends with state the reality of peril in town he will not believe it.  No sir...he will not be made a dummy of.  Or will he?

Well, as it turns out the veteran does get made into a dummy - a ventriloquist dummy at that.  While the town is being collected & biker gangs are beaten he is used to explain that people are what's for dinner and that there's nothing that can be done about it.  Well, the living cop shoots the Klown & sees that they may not have a weakness.  Then he hits the "sweet spot" - that big red honker of a nose.  Pretty lights & a mild explosion put an end to one clown.  But is he good enough to hit all of their noses?

The boyfriend and the iced-cream vendors head into town to see the most surreal scene of Klowns having a harvest parade..  So, what do they do?  Run like hell is what they do.  While that went on the heroine took the longest shower in film history.  Seriously, this girl takes a 15 minute shower!  In "film time" that equals 2 hours!  Was she really THAT skanky?  Well, while she showers the popcorn covered clothes she put in the bin start becoming restless.  After she finishes dressing the bin opens and jack-in-the-box clown heads attack!  These freaky creatures will make sure you NEVER wait to do laundry again.  Dodging past them she makes for the door only to get confronted by actual Klowns.  Well her luck has run out.  With a zap she is trapped inside a giant ball.

With the girlfriend taken away there is only one thing to do. (skip town fast?)  It is time for a rescue.  What do the heroes bring to stop an army of Killer Klowns From Outer Space?  An iced-cream truck and a cop armed with a pistol and a shotgun.  Yup, they are so DOOMED.  But being heroic means not worrying about being doomed.  So the four men figure out where the Klowns are hiding and head to the amusement park.  There they find the melted mess of the security guard who was pied to death...with a cherry on top.  REALLY!  From that horror they must navigate the most odd and lethal fun-house without getting creamed.  Well the vendors fall to traps which drop them into the arms of girl Klowns.  If you think human girls have esteem issues for wanting implants then the Klown girls beat evolution.  Yup, their boobs are inflatable and swell to a distracting enough size to mesmerize the vendors.  (poor guys)  Now the boyfriend and cop find the girl and make a dash for safety.  All they must do is get passed a small army of Klowns and they are free,  Thankfully an iced-cream truck bursts through a wall.  It seems girl Klowns just want to have fun and didn't kill the bumbling fools.  The vendors use their P.A. to pretend to be the clown head mascot on top of the truck.  Just as the group believes they will escape they are confronted by Klown Kong!  Yes, a giant Klown.  A "Boss Level" beast if you please.  The truck (and vendors) get slung across the room and explode!  DOOM!  The cop faces off against Klown Kong so the couple can escape.  As he empties his pistol into the beast he is snatched up.  The couple, free of the Klown ship see that it is preparing to leave again.  The cop has second to escape being a smeared snack in space.  Out of ammo he grabs his only tool - a symbol that is important to him...his badge.  No!  He doesn't throw it like a ninja!  He uses the pin to puncture Klown Kong's nose.  But the ship has already taken off - he is screwed.  Uh-oh!  With the loss of Klown Kong the ship explodes!  The only thing to fall to Earth from the explosion was a tiny Klown car.  As the door opens we see that the cop AND the vendors survived.  The vendors had hid inside the freezer just before the explosion.  And so, with the Earth safe and the friends reunited we end with a laugh.

Here is one of the BEST songs from a movie ever!  I listen to this frequently and hope you will enjoy it too.  It is from an old punk band - The Dickies:

I hope everyone has enjoyed this DOUBLE FEATURE review.

(p.s. - something went screwy with the formatting & the font changed.  will work on it)

Season of the Dead: Week I (part 2)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(part 2)

Alright!  As you survived the first of these installments I shall continue my torture of your grey matter.  Tonight I dig up one of the WORST films loved by hundreds.  It was suggested by a friend and I decided it was so absurd & harmless that I had to put it in the "kids" section.  Besides, the theme song is always fun to listen to.

(Theme Song)

Tonight I review for you - ATTACK of the KILLER TOMATOES.  Oh, yes!  The most kid terrorizing film ever.  Kids hate vegetables (I don't care that it may technically be a fruit).  They are poisonous to the body built to eat sugar and junk.  So why would anyone in their right mind make a film about vegetables (or fruit)?  Obvious answer - they were not in their right minds.  If anything they were so far out of their minds that scientists were unable to classify them.  Because of this they were never institutionalized and instead were given a camera.  In 1978 mobs of screaming, panicking movie-goers fled theaters...and that was during the opening credits!

(When toppings get revenge)

Yes, the government has lost their experimental mutant burger toppers and now humans are on the menu.  As a town is overrun by menacing vegetation the government send the most inept men to fight them.  The heroes consist of a man named Mason Dixon who never goes anywhere without his parachute, another man who has a scuba fetish and a master of disguise that stays discreet by dressing like a Black Adolph Hitler.  Joining them is a bumbling reporter that becomes known as a "strumpet".  They are DOOMED!

Needless to say that there is not anything that can be done about this red menace.  The military has been overrun, the government has fled and the townsfolk are becoming the new salad topping.  The tomatoes range from tennis ball size to the size of small cars.  They chase you!  They leap at you!  They EAT you!  And there is nothing standing in their way!

Oh, if only they had a weakness to exploit.  An allergy to peanuts?  Bees?  Acute hearing?  Anything?!  Wait!  They DO have acute hearing.  Not only that but they are also critical of music.  If only Justen Bieber were performing then.  Alas, there was no Bieber.  But there HAD to be someone who was the equivalent back then. they had to have some annoying song that hurt to listen to.  Some voice that could drive these monsters away.  Oh, YES!  There is a song!  "Puberty Love" - a song that not only cases the tomatoes to flee but also causes them to shrivel (my guess is Bieber's dad was the singer).  Rejoice!  We are saved.  Here, listen to the song that saved the world.

(Puberty Love)

Now that we have survived the first movie you can ponder on the fact they made several sequels AND a cartoon (see, kids do like crap).  More tomato terror!  Thankfully they do one nice thing - they destroy France.  So grab a copy of this "classic" and a strong Bloody Mary, duct-tape the kids in front of the screen & share the wonder that this film holds.

(Please note this was nearly published on time but something went wrong and it got erased then rewritten)

Season of the Dead: Week I (part 1)

Season of the Dead: Week I

(part I)

Ah...Autumn is here!  Time to enjoy cooler weather, shorter days and longer nights.  It is the beginning of the long season of shopping and celebrating.  Already stores are preparing for the festivities.  The shelves are filled with candy and early sales.  The sounds of "Jingle-Bells" filling the aisles around the images of Santa Clause.

WAIT!  SANTA?!  ALREADY?

That is not right!  With the long nights beginning we should be preparing for Halloween.  This is the time we should be getting ready to watch the leaves fall, needing a jacket to walk at night and watching movies.  So, to keep the jolly fat man at bay for a while longer I will be posting a series of movies to keep you out of the stores and away from the horror which isn't supposed to start until AFTER Thanksgiving (US).  I am not in the mood to deal with this guy right now.

He just won't stop!

So, to avoid that trauma for as long as possible I have been selecting movies appropriate to the actual season.  As I have a long list I have trimmed it to certain "themes" and will run with the theme for about a week.  As it is early in the season I have decided to start with KID FRIENDLY(ish) movies to review.  This will give those with kids enough time to hunt down or "find" these movies to start getting the young 'uns ready.  You will NOT find movies like "Gremlins" or "The Nightmare Before Christmas" here - those are for the OTHER holiday.  With that said...let us begin.

So as to not be too obvious to the kids that their little minds are about to be prepped for future derangement I will start us with MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. Before the moaning begins you must accept one simple fact - kids love crappy movies.  That being said I must also point out that the big "non-kid" aspect of this  movie is the bad language; in this age that doesn't seem to bother most people so this choice falls here.

What do you do when the world goes crazy and machines revolt.  Yes, cars, phones, blenders, ATMs and every other machine have decided that you must serve them.  Well the "heroes" of this film decide hiding in a truck stop is a bright idea.  Yeah...hide where vehicles go to eat...good choice.  Thankfully they have Emilio Esteves there to save them!  Crap!  They're doomed.  Well his bad acting may be enough to stop the vehicles.  If not you can always push him in front of the main machine because it is one scary beast.  Do you REALLY want this monstrosity coming after you?

A big truck that CAN eat you!

Thing about this movie is that kids will watch it.  They will love the Green Goblin Truck.  They will laugh at times and still have some mild moments of apprehension.  They don't need to think too hard (as that makes movies boring).  They will be able to shrug-off any semblance of fear fast but will start looking at the vehicles around them differently.  It sets them up for more to come without traumatizing them.  This way they will advance to more movies at a better pace and not scream in terror when the next movie pops up.

Do not fear - this is just a "pre-season warm-up".  The next films will be of a higher standard (damn, gotta get standards) and will start moving the kids toward Halloween.  Also note that several choices for the grown-up portions of the feed will also be suitable for the kids.  Just because it isn't in this section will not mean it is bad for them.  Classics will rear their dusty heads from the deepest vaults and you may find yourself watching them with your kids feeling like a kid.

Until tomorrow...

Blah!

Update:

Sorry nothing new yet - lots of things going on and am trying to organize a themed string of posts for next month.  Hopefully I will find something inspiring for an interesting post soon.  

Until then here are some WTF videos to damage your views of humanity.

Enjoy!

A RPG for psychotics...

H.O.L.:

Human Occupied Landfill

O.K., so many of us have had our time playing one Role-Playing Game (RPG) or another.  Overall most are the same; funny dice, a party of "noble heroes" and a goal of  stopping tyrannical villainy.  HOL is not that game!  After years of searching I found an online copy and will now tell you about this deranged game.

In '94/'95 some blokes made a game, hand drew the entire book & got Black Dog (White Wolf's adult line) to publish it.  It was meant to be a game for those sick of "goody-goody" games and the need for "funny" dice.  So you grab pencil, paper, booze (yes, you'll need it) and some d6's ("regular" dice for non-gamers), get some friends together & open the book...

WHAT THE FUCK?! 

The first sign you are in trouble is this:

Right from page 1 you can see that this is NOT like anything else.  This is the work of lunacy.  A psychotic embolism given form through the written word.  Gone are the worlds of amazing beauty and fantastic creatures.  Gone are the Noble races guarding against the incursions of Evil.  Here things are foul, nasty and brutal.  It is a planet where criminals and other undesirable contents are dumped.  This is your home.  Best learn to laugh at other's misfortunes because they will be laughing at yours.

There are two sections to the book: Part 1 - KILLING THINGS & Part 2 - THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU.  At least that is simple enough...right?

Part 1 starts off with a description of HOL - "Ever been to New Jersey?  Okay, now add some high technology and make a planet out of it.  HōL is the New Jersey of the Confederation Of Worlds (C.O.W.).".  Obviously one of the creators had precognitive abilities and foresaw the coming of "Snooki".  It gives background on the formation of things.  Next come the rules.  Some are simple: rolling "boxcars" means rolling again & adding the scores until you fail to roll "boxcars" - which is pretty sweet - and rolling "snake-eyes" YOU LOSE!  Example: "Jeff's character, Fuzzteeth, is trying to tie his shoes.  The HM requires a skill roll (2 dice) and Jeff rolls snake-eyes.  The result: Fuzzteeth's head explodes.  Just one of those things, y'know?".  Yes, it can be extreme.  It goes on to give you characters (worth reading even if you never attempt to play), charts, combat and skills (I love the skill "Make anything you say sound more important than the voice of God").  If you can understand any of it to this point please call the authorities and seek a good asylum...one with thick walls & land-mines to stop you from escaping.

Part 2 is the Hol-meister (HM aka GM/DM/etc) section.  In my opinion the only people qualified for this are the same people who giggle during their shock-treatments and eat fist-fulls of Oxys chased with bottles of Everclear just to stay as close to "calm" as they ever will.  Here you get "God" stuff, XP's, money/bartering, history, C.O.W., The Church, baby eating, enemy NPCs (like the Sodomy Bikers), deranges stuff and the Bestiary which includes "Uncle Mickee".

If that doesn't creep you out nothing will!

Now, if your brain hasn't exploded or dribbled out of your skull from reading through the book you may wish to seek out the expansion book - Buttery Wholesomeness.  I have not yet found an online copy to link to BUT will say that being able to go to "Clown College" or get "Cornholed By God" does make the supplement worth getting. Also, if you get the better copy, you get a FREE BONUS GAME!!!  Yes, the game FREEBASE is included at no additional charge (except the charges you will get from Law Enforcement!).  It is a "live action" game so you can play in the "real" world.  I will not go into details but do suggest having a Bunsen burner, cotton balls, lighter, rubbing alcohol and a damned good attorney.

So give HOL a try...all you have to lose is your mind.  You weren't using it anyway.

Space Marine

Warhammer 40,000:

Space Marine

'It is the 41st Millennium.  To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions.  It is to live in the cruellest and most bloody regime imaginable.  Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned.  Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war.  There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.'

Now, if that doesn't set the scene for you not much will.  The game Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is set in this dark future.  You are a Space Marine - a genetically enhanced being far removed from normal men.  Nearing 9' tall with hardened skeleton, extra organs, enhanced everything and trained from childhood to do one thing only - kill the enemies of the Emperor.  You are encased in the best armour and wield weapons which can few can stand against.  You have bullets which explode inside the target, guns which strip armour or microwave a being instantly.  Chainswords and Thunderhammers are extensions of your arms.  And with these weapons you go to face the endless hordes of Orks.  Savage beings who feel no pain, are as strong (or stronger) as you who attack in massive waves crushing all before them.

This is a small Ork!

Later you will even face the Great Enemy - Chaos!  Yes, armies of those created like yourself 10,000 years ago who turned from the Emperor to worship Dark Gods.  Every strength you have they have plus they have 10,000 years of war which has honed their skills.  They have more than you for they have psykers channeling the power of the Warp as well as Dæmons who reside in the Warp.  Yeah, it sucks to be you!

Now let me start the actual review by setting some things down - I have been playing Warhammer 40, 000 (WH40K for short) for over 20+yrs when it was a table-top (TT) semi-role-playing game based around miniatures.  Over the decades I have seen many changes both good and damnably awful.  In addition to the TT games there have been several video games as well.  Some were extremely well done (Space Hulk, Chaos Gate & Dawn of War) yet ended up going "under the radar" (except DoW) and die-hard fans like me were the only ones to experience them.  So, with hundreds of miniatures around my home as well as various game discs, I now share my views on the newest entry.

First off this is not for everyone.  If you are the type of gamer who hates getting "stuck-in" and prefers to shoot enemies from miles away you will hate this.  Yes, they have long-range weapons...but the enemies are rarely far long enough to specialize in that.  Also note that this game is bloody.  Full of decapitations and exploding bodies this game will have your screen bleeding onto your floor.  If you like that kind of thing please read on.

The game has two basic modes - Campaign and Online.  The Campaign is straightforward - go from "A" to "Z" gathering weapons and slaughtering enemies.  You get plenty of action right from the start.  The first few waves are a minor touch of the swarming that will be filling your screen for hours.  The first Orks and the smaller Gretchin (goblins) are not bad.  My biggest complaint about these Orks are their voices (high-pitched English voices just don't cut it).  Thankfully you soon get bigger Orks in the mix and their voices deepen as they get bigger.

He's not even the biggest!

You will end up aiding an Inquisitor (who looks a lot like Gary Numan) who marches you into the heart of the Orks to where you will eventually meet the Warboss.  None of the Orks you have met yet are near this guy's size.  I have seen smaller tanks!  Actually he looks like a large version of the Hulk wearing a tank as armour.  Guess what - you get to dance with him.

He is not even close to you.

One thing to know: the only way to get health back is through doing a certain special attack in close-combat.  Yup, the thought of running until your health meter fills is gone.  In this game you must face everything head-on.  The best advice I can give is to pay attention to which attacks "stun" which types of Orks so you can do the move.  If you do the wrong type & don't stun them you may leave yourself open to a messy death.

The other mode is Online play - Here you randomly play as either an Imperial or a Chaos Space Marine battling against the other.  This version is different than many other similar types because you have to get "stuck in" fast.  There is no way your team can win if you hold back.  There are two game types here - Seize Ground and Annihilation.  The first is to gain & keep control of areas on the map (thankfully the maps are smallish).  Hiding & holding back will never win.

The second game is a straightforward slaughter-fest.  Imperials vs. Chaos slobber-knocker where the only goal is to kill them more than they kill you.  None of those pesky objectives to distract you from hunting & slaughtering your adversaries.  If you spend more than 3 seconds without swinging on or shooting at someone you are doing it wrong!  So choose your type of character - Tactical: moderate all around, Devastator: heavy weapons & Assault: rapid close-ranged attacks using a jump-pack and show the world how to disembowel someone with a spork!

With that out of the way let me hit on some issues.  The Online is not great yet.  Too few maps (more in October!) and their servers are wonky.  Also, to advance beyond Level 5 Online you must enter the code on the back of the manual.  If a friend wants to borrow the game and play Online they can buy the code Online (prices vary depending on which machine you have it on - Xbox is 800pts).  The "wonky" being slow loads & the match crashing if the "host" leaves.  I have confidence this will be fixed fast.  But there is a nice side - customization.  As you gain levels, kills and deaths you gain armour parts.  Some are way easy to get - the "Battle Damage" armour parts come from you getting killed.  Others are not so easy (like seeking out the same person to kill them 5x's in a single game then doing that several times online).  Still the Imperial & Chaos armours look nice.  Change parts and colors.  You can be "traditional" or "eclectic" (I have done sets in the Saints colors as well as some eye-blistering Chaos Marines) as you like.  In addition to the armour parts there are goals to achieve to get improved weapons.  Having a suped-up Thunderhammer or Meltagun makes a world of difference.

In my opinion it is a blast.  Turn on some GWAR or Gregorian Chants and kill everything.  Don't worry about thinking - this is primal.  Do remember to NOT 'chuck' your controller at the screen when you get killed!!!  Just fight harder next round and improve your skills.  Try playing the game on HARD without dying or restarting for one chapter - that alone should help with the basic survival skills you will need.  Still, I think it is worth owning.  $60 worth?  For most people - probably not.  For serious fans of violence and online domination it is worth it.

Now I will leave you as I am off to do what every good Space Marine does at the end of the day...

Kung-Fu kraziness

Alright!  This morning I started writing this article which fast became insanely long.  So, to be kind, I scrapped all of it to do this bluntly.

We NEED cheesy kung-fu movies to return!!!

Wait!  Need?  How can anyone say that with a straight face?

Yes, we do need them.  We need those cheaply made movies full of violent action and little story.  They gave us unfettered entertainment without trying to push some "politically correct" agenda on the audience.  They were filled with people who did & said what many people actually think about saying & doing.  They were not full of people worried about which insults were allowed; they used insults properly...to hurt someone's feelings!  Like the real world they displayed arrogance and the willingness of the strong to pick on the meek.  Also, like the real world, it was easy to lose track of who was who in a fight.  When you have two groups of men in pajamas, with every one between 5'7" & 5'10", of average build with the same type hair cut the same way you easily lose track of "sides".  Instead you do like folks do during a real fight - sit back & enjoy the spectacle.

Sure, these movies were shlocky.  We loved that!  Dubbed dialog let you know how "good" it was going to be - dialog & lips not remotely matching = better story telling vs dialog & lips closely matching = dialog made to fit lips not tell story.  White haired meant bad-ass villain.  Simple-minded yokel was to be brutally trained to become awesome hero guy.  Naked women had REAL TITTIES!!!  The more absurd something sounded the more likely it was super-powerful.  People did not have blood but produced red Tempera paint.  The more spots on a monk's head the more devastating his attacks were.  Most importantly - Men Were Supposed To Be Manly!!  That's right, men were expected to demonstrate they had a pair and at least attempt to defend themselves/the weak.  The bitch-boys (cowards & hyper-effeminate males - gay was not an issue in these films, gay men kicked asses too) were mocked by everyone.

Now I loved that these movies were often "timeless".  I say this because all too often you did not know "when" in time it was happening.  Unless you saw some form of technology (electric lights, sunglasses) you could be any time from 14th Century to the 20th Century.  Sorry, but the pajama styles really did not vary enough to "date" the era.  Considering that many areas in the Orient are still like this gives hope for a resurgence of these films!

So, we have men in pajamas who like to fight using techniques & weapons with bizarre names.  We have a land caught in a time-distortion where the past &  present overlap without anyone noticing.  We have old men who get drunk, get white hair and torture young men for a hobby.  We have real women who can kick-ass (though not as often the hero) and have zero need of implants.  We have a place where being a man actually means something.  We have all of this in our archives of VHS tapes & DVDs.  Sadly we need these back in our theaters & Sunday morning programming.  We need "Kung-Fu Theater" to be there to show kids (and several adults) that life is not easy.  That it takes work, dedication, a sharp mind, the sweat of your brow and the labor of your limbs to succeed in the world.  That you don't have to be the biggest or best man around as long as you aren't a bitch.  That if you catch a fly with chop-sticks, blindfolded while standing one-legged on a log over a flaming pit of spikes you CAN win the competition, get the girl and get a live chicken to make into dinner.

These were not movies looking to win an Academy Award®.  These were movies with two things in mind - entertain the masses and make money.  They did both so well their legacy lives on (poorly) in modern action films.  Still the lessons taught are needed today.  I know I am sick of movies where Keanu Reeves is considered "butch" and everyone must have the personality of  a My Little Pony.  People need to use movies like "The Street Fighter" (starring Sonny Chiba) to teach their male kids to be masculine.  To use any Michelle Yeoh movie to show girls to be "ladylike" as well as kick-ass.  We NEED them so boys will stop wearing flat-fronted pants!!!  (My ghod!  Even the smallest set needs room!!!)

I hope this inspires everyone to find some old classics & enjoy them.

(Only a real bad-ass could pull off this hair & eye-patch combo, kill folks & get the women.)